How To Cook a tabber
(or the Cybercannibal's guide to happy eating)
By Chef Purple de Haze

Welcome to my kitchen...
Here at Le Bistro de Chanvre, we serve up a glorious selection of meals at
outrageous prices made only from the finest computer geeks we can find...
But since I am becoming so filthy in my acquired wealth, I have decided to
pass on the recipes that have made my culinary skills world renowned.

First some tips in acquiring ingredients...
Since most of the main ingredients are quite rare, it is suggested that the
cook be careful of laws that may make it a criminal offence to actually
COOK the ingredients...
But nevermind that for now...
let's get cooking...

Appetizers

"Deep Fried Beatle Wonton Soup"
Take one Beatle and throw him in a food processor...
Dip the Beatle-bits in batter and toss 'em in the fat...
Cook em up and throw into the soup base...
Simmer then eat, duh...
mmm mm good....

"Harry Sheep lamb bits salad"
Take one wide-eyed Harry Sheep and throw her in the cuisanart...
chop chop chop!!!
cut up some fucking lettuce and throw her in...
Serve with a large hat as a cocktail umbrella ...
Suggested dressings : Anything cheesy...

Entrees

"Bitter Kabobs"
Take one Bitter Ben (aka digital Poodle) and strip down.
Take a large stick (broom handles will suffice) and sharpen one end.
Amid complaints of "drugs are bad" and the like, shove stick up his ass
till it comes out of his nose.
Toss him on a spit and and spin really fast over an open fire.
When well done sprinkle salt liberally on his blistered flesh, so as to
remove some of the extremely bitter flavour.
Note, it is advised that you be wary of this species' liver, seeing as it
may contain toxic quantities of assorted chemicals, especially LSD.

"Analogue Cat Chow Mein"
Take one Voi and chop her into large pieces, big enough to hold in
chopsticks, but small enough to chew easily.
Fry the pieces up with some garlic and beef broth.
Add assorted vegetables (your choice) and fry a little longer.
Finally, add the noodles with 2 cups of broth...
A favourite dish among locals in need of a good meal with LITTLE meat...

"Reggae Chicken with Zinnia Rock stuffing"
yup...
One Reggae Chicken plucked...
Stuff her with Zinnia flowers and assorted ROCKS...
(beware of ecstatic moans emanating from the drinking hole. If moaning
doesn't stop, stuff an apple in her mouth, and seal with duct tape.)
Cook up in a microwave oven tuned to 101.9 Mhz on tuesdays from 3-5pm.
Serve with fruit...
(Note... It is interesting to note that the Zinnia is found among the
pastures where the Reggae Chicken is known to graze. What a coincidence,
eh?)

"Curried Tzeentch with Fillet of Cthulu"
One Tzeentch... chop chop chop...
Burn him gooooood...
Throw in some curry...
cook fer a bit...
Set aside to cool...
Next use machete to casually slice the meat from Cthulu's bones...
fry 'im up... yeeee haw...
Plop Tzeentch over the sole...
serve with assorted foam weaponry to b0nk! the food back down when you get
sick...

"Fried fUP Flambee"
Take one fUP.
Get him really stoned...
Since he's fried enuff at this point, merely set his tie-dye's on fire with
yer Bic lighter, and eat...

Desserts

"Bluck Surprise"
Hey...
If you can catch him, then yer in fer a surprise...
nuff said...

"James Joyce Fat Fortune Cookies"
Prepare any old fortune cookie recipe as normal.
Take a nice long fucking message from DJJJ, and print it up (usually about
6-7 pages).
Proceed to stuff the 'words of wisdom' into one of the cookies.
If you run into problems (eg. cookie too small, etc.) try stuffing the
cookie INTO the 'fortune'...

Note: Do not use the following ingredients : Meat (any kind), Wheat, sugar,
anything else processed. Except Corn Flakes and Soy Bean Dairy
products.

"Etana 1/2 Poundcake"
Make yer average poundcake, except, instead of egg yolks, substitute with
pureed Etana...
It may be small, but, damn, it sure is filling...

"Purple Haze space cake!!!!!!"
Take one liver and brain from the sub-genus of the common junkie, known as
Purple Haze... also found in the famiy of Purplious Hazium...
In other coutries, it is known Steneruud, Ruud-dog, Jatbinder, or "whatever
you want man..."
Take the brain and mix with Grape Jell-O, and set aside to mix.
Roll the liver in freshly ground marijuana buds. no leaf, damnit!
Throw brain/jello and liver-weed into bowl, and stir like a psychopath.
Add flour (made from Leaf...), liberal amounts of LSD, and a dash of DMT
(for flavour), and shake it up in a good bong!
Pour into a bowl and bake, baby, bake for a few days...
Then when you come down from the fumes (whoa.. the colours), set aside to
cool...
Pop the cake out of the bowl, and top with several large Psylocibe
Cubensis caps...
Eat with many friends, and talk about important things like why the sky is
suddenly orange and flourescent green, with flying Dr. Pepper bottles
soaring around...
Feel the peace, happiness, and all that other good shit...

So ends the delights that have come from the kitchen of a mad man...
Eat them in good health, and think for yourself, question authority!!!



The preceding piece of obscurity that came out of a bizzare conversation
with Beatle about how to get downtown is brought to by the following:

Your local gov't anti-drug propaganda producer
"This is your brain... this is your brain with a side of bacon, on toast"

Makers of antacids that don't work worth a shit when you feel like driving
the porcelain bus...

Reunite... Try it with tang!!!

Dr. Pepper...

Dr. Timothy Leary... What a nutty guy...

Jimi Hendrix, Steve Vai, Frank Zappa, Stomping Tom Connors and the Flying
Finnish Polka Squadron...

The "U.S. of fucking A." for all their great work at going to war on their
own people (drug war!!!!) becuz there are no wars that they can fight in
right now overseas...

The Jehovah's Witnesses, for never coming back when they say they will...
When the hell are they gonna sit down and have a chat session with me...

Sandoz, for making great LSD...

The wonderful people on TaB-NET, who will probably want to hang me by the
testicles for this little parody... come on people... it's just a fucking
JOKE...
heheh...

The grateful growers of BC... you know who you are...

And most of all... you... for actually reading this far...
I mean, this was one helluva piece of spew...
Probably on the entertainment chart somewhere between having an enema and
trying to guess what type of bodily fluid is dribbling out of your ear
when you get an infection.

Otay...
Sleaze Ya Laidher...
And merry cooking you pranksters...

--- t5mo0n 6o4-52o-9519
* Origin: MOoO Moo? MOo moo moo moO mOO? MOoooOOoooOooo! (31:3373/0)
?help quit enter to continue▀░░▄:
▀▓▓▄▄ ■▄▓▄▄▄▄▄▄▄░▓▀▀▀▀▀▀▓▓▀(220 of 236)

date: 12:26 pm Tue Aug 20, 1996
from: Frazzle
to : Sylphid
subj: and this one too..
stat: Sent

by popular demand...
produced by bedienungsanleitung industries
With Co-operation from the Port Moody Police
We Bring you...

Tabfood : Part II The return of the Tabmonkeys (the breakfast edition)

Howdy!!!
Let's cook breakfast now...
why?!??! cuz there's so many fucking whiners out there who (probably due to
some mental deficit) feel left out becuz they weren't cooked and maimed on
the last menu...
Maybe it's cuz they're into that auto-eroticism thing...
or S&M????
Who knows... who cares?!!??!?!
Let's get a cookin pardner...

"Roadkill Coyote with eggs"
Ahh yes... the wonderful taste of roadkill...
Why roadkill? There's a few treats from using roadkill as compared to fresh
meat...
One: It's already tenderized... Especially if its been smooshed by a Mack
truck...
Two: The taste of the tires that were used to run over it, OR the flavour
and texture caused by chrome bumpers is simply exquisite and can't be
matched by anything else...
So...
Take one Roadkill Coyote (preferably not too decayed, if possible...)
carefully peel off the hair and assorted goo that maybe left on it, but
take care so as not to lose those lovely bits of rubber and chrome...
Set frying pan to high setting (Coyotes get cooked real fast)
Fry until the meat is a golden brown
Then add eggs, and stir the shit up...
MMMMMmmm...
goes well with 30W motor-oil shakes...

"Boo hoo Eoanya"
This is not an easy recipe...
So take care to follow the instructions carefully lest you want a subtle
explosion of tears in your kitchen...
first!!!
Take one Eoanya and chop her...
Then... maim her...
Next toss her in a pan to fry...
then add some onions (to help the tears come out) and sautee those
puppies...
After this is done, add some finesse shampoo...
Now be sure not to use too much...
I have found about a capful seems to work best...
cuz she just loves finesse...
Serve on a platter with feminist literature for napkins...
and maybe some pretty girly flowers in her mouth...
and up her nose...
and in her ears...
in fact...
Stick some flowers in every orifice available (Some holes maybe lost during
the cooking process...)
MMMmmmm.. doesn't that sound just yummy yummy?

"Aphrael On toast"
Ehhhhh...
TOAST!!!
pretty hard eh?
put Aphrael on toast!!!
get her toasted!!!!
toast toast toast!!!!

She is toast...
you are toast...
everyone is now toast...
So enjoy the toastiness that is toast...
but not powdered...
no no... powdered toast will not do...
you must use real toast!!!
And serve with some Corn flakes, or maybe some Fruit Loops...
they seem to make sense...
And a big fat doob!!!!

That's it...
I just can't perform under all this pressure...
what was once a joke has become a chore...
so no more!!!!
it is such a bore...
it's not even funny anymore...

Credits:

The following people/companies/organizations/weirdos have sponsored this
T-file...

Those wacky Jehovah's Witnesses again...
Hey... ya gotta love em...

Yer local lunatic that lives downstairs and won't get help for her mental
disorder... Like I'm playing Grateful Dead at a reasonably LOW volume at
6:30 in the evening and she ahs the GALL to come and pester me about it
being too loud... Then she proceeds to play piano until 9:30... like what a
fucking fruit she is... then you can hear her screaming her fucking lungs
out at 11:30 if you put some dishes away... Fuck you ya Mental Case...
Get some Lithium or sumtin... Or maybe a nice stay in Riverview!??!?!

Your Dentist... See them every six months, or you'll have to go through an
agonizing hour or so of scaling becuz you were too stupid to brush on a
regular basis and haven't seen them for almost two years...

Marijuana... For allowing me to see all that I can be, but not actually
achieve anything cuz ya get too stoned to do anything...

Frank Zappa... Why? why the hell not?!?!?!?

Black Sabbath (esp. Ozzy)... Fer making me go deaf with those high pitch
vocals... shit!!!!

Those little rubber mushrooms that use to come in those air freshners...
They make really neat 'farting' sounds if you squeeze them while putting
them on your lip... Har har!!! A party classic...

Konica... fer making really shitty film...
Fuck... 20 out of 24 pictures were blank!!! Like how the fuck does that
HAPPEN
?????

And of course...
All the wonderful charismatic churches who have their roots in North
America, for spewing out so much shit... and brainwashing their followers
and turning them into fucking zombies like the chick downstairs (see
previous credit...)

Thank you...
and good night...
(OOOOOOhhhh... string those weasels up by the balls...
make them spin in their over-alls...
Throw em all up and down the halllllllllllls...
Cuz it's a righty mighty fine day-o)