Title : Pinion #4
Author : Magic Elvis/Cthulu
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Issue # 004
Magik Elvis, of course
Welcome to another touch of brilliance. Ouch, that hurt.
The Three Billy Goats Dysfunctional
Once upon a time there were three billy goats. They lived in a pasture across
the river from an acceptably productive grazing field, where one could restore
the body's required balance of minerals and vitamins without collecting
potentially harmful amounts of cholesterol and trans-fatty acids. The
difficulty lay in crossing the swiftly flowing river which divided the two
plots of land. There was a bridge crossing the body of water, but it was the
home of an unemployed troll who defied society's conventional standards of
physical aesthetics and and fine dining. So the three goats remained on their
side of the river and ate substandard Chilean pesticide-sprayed whale fat
clearcut causing hormonally enhanced genetically modified wheat... eventually,
through a constant nourishing cycle for the three goats, and by no means
because of overindulging in the grain, there was no more food left on their
side of the river. The three goats would be forced to risk the underfed troll.
So, the first and least physically intimidating goat began to cross the bridge.
Trip trap, trip trap, trip trap went the wooden planks of the bridge
dangerously, being part of the government's decaying infrastructure. The troll,
hearing the footsteps, quickly scrambled on top of the bridge. He said, "Hello,
fellow being. My search for sustainment has led me, regrettably, to the
conclusion that I must eat you to continue my existence here on this plane. Be
assured that I will be very kind and humane in your means of death, and that a
place for you is assured in the afterlife or not, depending on your religious
preference." The goat looked startled, not by the troll's outlandish and
different appearance, but by the disturbing announcement. Then he remembered
his brothers following him, and said "Friend troll, I fear that my
small-but-functional body would not be enough to satisfy one of your
proportionate appetites. My larger brother is following the path behind me, and
will arrive at the bridge soon. If you let me pass, I am sure that he would
gladly sacrifice his humble life to become one with your stomach." The troll
looked at the small but by no means insignificant goat, and at his own growling
lower torso. The troll, coming from a lower-class family, had not possessed the
means to attend post-kindergarten education, and, as such, had not heard this
story before. In his innocence and naivite, qualities admirable in reasonable
quantities, he relented and allowed the first goat to pass into the fields
beyond. He retreated underneath the bridge and waited for the second goat.
Sure enough, after several minutes, a familiar trip trap, trip trap, trip trap
came echoing through the rotten timbers of the bridge raised on selfish and
greedy capitalistic values. The troll swung up on to the bridge and again
delivered his speech. The goat looked startled, not by the troll's outlandish
appearance nor by the announcement, but by the fact that society would ignore
and scorn such a selfless and humble individual, who had been reduced to,
through no fault of his own, harassing pedestrians for food. He then
remembered his own hungry stomach, and the fields of wheat beyond the poor
desperate troll. Having always had the guidance of the third and largest billy
goat, he remembered that some threats could be nullified with the appearances
of physical retaliation, and perhaps his friend the third goat could shock the
troll enough to be led into rehabilitation. On which thought, he replied to
the troll's eloquent speech, "Friend troll, one of your need deserves a reward
more filling and substantial than my own average body. My brother is even
larger than I, and would most certainly satisfy your empty digestive system for
several days. If you will wait but a few minutes, he will come along and verily
leap down your throat to satisfy your hunger. Now, may I pass?" The troll
looked at the only average sized goat, and at his own greater than average size
belly, and imagined an even larger goat sitting in the place of the one which
stood before him, smoke wafting off his body and an apple in his mouth. He then
wiped the drool off his mouth, an entirely normal reaction to have when
thinking about food, and let the second goat pass. He then sat on the bridge
and looked far to the distance, where he could see a massive shape lumbering
towards him. The land trembled beneath the footsteps of the third and largest
billy goat (who had previously done some work as a stunt double in Jurassic
Park), who glowered across the vast distances at the troll with an expression
that practically screamed "It's clobberin' time!" The troll, accurately
predicting the upcoming episode of purely gratuitous physical violence, feared
for the sanctity of his own warty yet lovable hide, and retreated beneath the
bridge. When he came out from under the bridge, he was bearing a sign which
read "Fairy tales unfair to antagonists: Bad Guys On Strike". He thwarted the
third billy goat's violent intentions with threats of positive action from his
union, and got on the 6 'o clock news. A law was passed in the US Senate in the
coming week, making it unconstitutional to pound on villains unfairly for
absolutely no reason save as a device used to further the plot. Many cash
settlements were resolved in court, and every one lived fairly ever after.
be happy with what you have yes
tomorrow you may not be so sad
left right all around
no get up stand up touch the ground
i don't want i can't have
less more i need a slave
_How to rock like a North Van Poser HomeBoy_
1. ) Be like your alternative friends, buy a "Green Day" album.
2. ) No, wait, don't do that.
3. ) Green Day might suck, so buy a classic, say.. Nevermind.
4. ) I mean, hes DEAD, he won't end up lame like Kriss Kross or something.
5. ) Okay, next, get a buzz cut and flatten it out so you resemble Mike D
6. ) Mike D? The guy from the Beastie Boys. Sabotage? You know?
7. ) No, that's NOT their first album.
8. ) Okay, GET RID of that Vanilla Ice album
9. ) Oh, and Paula Abdul is no longer cool
10.) Get an alternative girlfriend. This is a must.
11.) Get a 90210 chick who likes NIN. NIN? Nine Inch Nails.
12.) Not bondage! the band! Oh fuck you.
13.) Okay, next step - find a band NO ONE likes.
14.) Not cuz they suck, cuz no ones ever heard of them. Where?
15.) Go to the alternative section in HMV. Yup, the record store.
16.) Now, go to the next big concert, with your girlfriend and haircut.
17.) And your knowledge of the music bus!
18.) Finally, bob your head back and forth, don't go to the pit.
19.) Don't mess up your hair, don't start getting political.
20.) And no matter WHAT Snoop Dogg says - don't get hurt!
Pinion can be reached at (604)325-8116 by modem.
\ | Pinion Electronic Magazine Productions. 1994. | /
\ | Fuck my rights, until we live in a free country. | /
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