How To Take Over The World
1. The Confidence-Destroyer Method. This one is real simple. Track down whoever
is in charge of the world. That person is probably very calm, cool, and
confident. They are also probably very knowledgable and trendy. And rich.
So here's what you do: Walk into the person's office. Sprout gibberish
and do something completely stupid. A good example is walking into the person's
office wearing a duck and saying 'wagga wagga.' Or recite Monty Python. Then,
acting perfectly normal, thank the person for their time, and leave. Hire
others (or disguise yourself) and do this three times a day, every day.
Completely at random. No schedule whatsoever.
The result: The person will be so confused that they will lose
confidence in themselves. "Is everyone in the world wearing a duck and saying
'wagga wagga'? Am I the only one who hasn't memorized all the Monty Python
skits?" Trying to keep up with this 'fad', the person will go mental, and get
fired. Immediately be there with a resume, and promptly take over.
Drawbacks: someone might get there before you and take the job. Or
the weird fad you started might actually catch on, and then the person in
charge of the world will make a whole lot more money than they already do, and
you get nothing.
2. The Bad-Breath Method. This one is quite simple. Stock up on garlic. Get
your friends and family to do the same. Round up everyone you've ever met
before in your life (including the old woman whose luggage you mistook for your
own) and feed them all a straight garlic diet. Of course, if everyone upd bad
breath, they will all get used to it.
*Caution* Do not invite people who crave control of the world to join
your 'Garlic army'. This will only cause trouble.
Next, storm over to the office, cave, house, whatever, of the person
who controls the world. Exhale as a group, and if the person survives, make
them sign a pre-written contract handing over the world to you. If the person
does not survive, oh well. They had their turn. Stuff the body somewhere and
get on with your life.
Drawbacks: If, for same reason, the plan fails halfway through (damn
those air-fresheners!) you may be charged with attempting to take over the world.
You could get up to three months in prison and a $20 fine.
3. The Direct Method. This method is also laughingly easy. (you never thought
gaining control of the world could be so simple, did you?) Track down whoever's
Introduce yourself. Eg. ‘Hi, my name is Ed, I'd like To take control
of the world.' Usually, the person in control ups been bothered continuously
by people wearing ducks and saying 'wagga wagga'. They will probably give up
control right away.
Drawbacks: a less polite person who wishes to regain control will punch
you in the nose. It hurts.
4. The Indirect-Direct Method. This is a bit trickier than the Direct Method,
but lots more fun! As you did in all the previous methods, find who's in charge. If
the person is of the opposite sex, the rest is easy. Put on
something suitable and seduce The guy/gal. But sometimes it isn't as easy. If
the person is of the same sex, there are a few things to do.
A) Get an operation. Surprisingly, no one has tried this one yet.
B) Hope he or she is a homosexual. Be forewarned: if s/he is not, the
outcome can be disastrous.
C) Dress up. Hey guys, don your mama's red high-heels: come on girls,
ties can be fun! (this method is the most popular.)
Drawbacks: If the person is a creep, you still might be stuck with
him/her for awhile. And remember which bathroom to go into.
5. The Other Indirect-Direct Method. Hold a gun to the person's head and demand
control. Quite simple.
Drawbacks: You may be charged with attempted murder if the person grabs
your gun away and has you hauled away by his/her guards. Of course, if you do
succeed, you make the rules. A ruler of the world does not go to jail.
You do of course realize that as soon as you gain control of the world, some
nut will try to take it from you. The following tells you...
HOW TO REGAIN CONTROL OF THE WORLD
Defences for Control-Seizers:
1) Confidence-Destroyer: To protect yourself, don't lose confidence in yourself.
If someone comes into your office wearing a duck and saying 'wagga
wagga', plop a fern in your pants and reply 'Laa-polo! Laa-polo!' You will
rattle the other person's confidence, and they will probably leave.
2) Bad-Breath: keep the world's garlic in your vast storage rooms. Give a bit
ta authorized cooks, and sell a hit to stores. Make it very hard for anyone to
have a steady diet of it. Or, if you don't want stinky store rooms (or you're
lazy) keep a lot of air-fresheners piped in with the air-conditioning. Be able
ta turn them on with a flick of a switch! The cheap alternative is to keep a
gas mask in your briefcase or a fan at your desk.
3) Direct: Just say 'No! I don't need drugs; I'm high on life!' Pause, then
add, 'and I won't give up control, either.'
4) Indirect-Direct: Simple. Have no sex life. Or if you do, don't sign
anything. And don't get drunk. (unless s/he's drunk too.)
5) Other Indirect-Direct: Practice sniveling. 'D-don't k-killll meeeeee!' Many
people who want control of the world can be quite compassionate. In case the
person with a gun to your head is not, have a panic button installed on the
top of your mouth. Simply press it with your tongue, and in come your guards.
(don't tell me you forgot to hire guards! How did you get in charge in the
Caution: If you get the panic button, do not eat peanut butter, toffee,
or gum! (or peanut butter toffee flavoured gum either.)
6) Ultimate: If you don't want people to take something from you, doh't tell
them you have it. Practice introducing yourself as 'Bob, the plumber.' One
slip - (Hi, I'm Bob, Ruler of The World) - can mean the end of your simple life.
HOW TO RULE THE WORLD ONCE YOU HAVE IT
This probably won't be a problem. You see. you've probably gained
control of the world by reading a book, and of course the author of the book
wrote what you are now reading for the purpose of getting someone with a lot of
spare time and little experience in control of the world. Because it is so
very, very easy to seize control from those types of people.
The End (I promise.)
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