It all started this Monday when I went to see "Kissed" downtown. It was a strange Monday... woke up early, had a warm cup of tea and watched the sky. I often do this, but doing it at 7:30 on Monday morning is very weird for me as I was up til 4 am the previous day hanging with some of my buddies. Didn't seem too be that strange though so I made up my mind and I headed off downtown on the bus to go see "Kissed".
Kissed, without destroying the plot, is all about a woman who has a fascination with death. I found myself once or twice crying during the movie because I felt so akin to this woman it wasn't funny. My first girlfriend and I were obsessed with death and always talked about it, and seeing this movie flooded me with memories from the past. The movie ended, I got up and blinked as the sun hit my eyes and thats when it hit me. I become totally overwhelmed with panic and it felt like everyone around me was dead and I was the only living person. Why I felt like this I have no idea but I found myself breathing heavy as I walked away from the movie and, after having a fleeting memory of the first time I did Ecstasy, I felt the need to run away from everything... to be away from it all. As I walked down the street towards the Library downtown, I focused myself by thinking of a story I'd read by Kahlil Gibran called "The City of the Dead" which I posted to Audrey awhile back.
I wandered around downtown Vancouver in a haze for four hours... almost got hit by a car as I unknowingly walked across the street during a red light. Someone asked me if I was "okay" after the car came to a halt and I pulled away from the person and felt like crying. I felt another wave of panic come over me because I don't like not controlling what I am doing... I have this inherent fear that if I loose control of myself, I will loose sense of reality. I walked away from Downtown and settled down in a park near Chinatown, laid on my back and watched the sky for three hours without moving an inch. I wasn't thinking of anything except how I wanted to immerse myself totally and completely in the nakedness of another's soul... no games, no complexities ... just pure contact with another person. I didn't want to tell that person I loved them... I didn't want it in return, I just wanted to sit and hold another human being for the rest of my life.
It then came upon me that I have a huge vat of problems that I continually think about and try to solve and how I know no one who will listen to me WHILE I feel comfortable telling them. I won't talk to any of my guy friends because most of them are macho ignorants, or I just don't know some of them well enough. I don't know any women who I trust enough to do this with because a) I've always feared women and b) none of them really listen to me in the first place and lastly, any woman I know personally that I'd want to tell them my problems I would rather try to date them instead, or lust after them. It's a double-edged sword in my world of things and I know that I walk around and have a fear of telling people my weaknesses.
I came home that night and didn't want to talk, look or even acknowledge my roommates even though they did talk to me like usual and I played the actor by acknowledging their existance but to the core I wanted to kill them both. That made me afraid for an instance because I really wanted to kill them... take a knife and stab them to death and then kill myself. Then I could sit in my room, turn off the lights and sit along with my silence and everything would be nice. No one telling me their problems... no more listening or putting up with bullshit... just plain silence.
Since that day, I've spent incredible amounts of time in my room reading books ... polished off three in the last two days and am halfway through the Bible, which I am reading so I can then read City of God. I went for an 8 hour walk today, aimlessly walking around Vancouver, watching a baseball game but I knew at some point I would have to come back home because I was getting hungry. I ignored both of my friends tonight when I got home and just sat watching the television and my best friend Terrene asked me if anything was wrong and I played the act, "No... of course not..." and continued watching my video.
While I was doing the dishes tonight, I held a knife in my right hand and ran a deep cut through my left forefinger just to remember what it felt like from the old days. I had considered it for a second but then thought of one thing... being alone kept me happy and alive. I mean, my friend was sleeping... I could have just gone into the bathroom, slit my wrists, turn on the hot water and just pass out and die and that'd be that... but no, me being alone kept me alive.
I've learned too that all of you whom I respect incredibly I don't really want to meet because I have this fear you'll just be like everyone else I know, especially the women around here. I was intrigued when I met Tillie and Jay (Silver Angel and Hippy for those who don't know) and I found myself just wanting to tell Jay everything and a wanting to hold Tillie all night long and not say a thing. As for everyone else, and like I said, I've never really wanted to meet anyone and for the stupid truth of it... people can or cannot listen to me here but in reality, no one listens to me at all except when I'm keeping them entertained. I've reached out once or twice in the last few weeks to a few friends of mine and found them NOT wanting to continue to talk but being nice about it... they were so self-absorbed that they didn't give a shit that I wasn't having a good night.
I wanted to phone Tillie but I figured I'd probably get her answering machine and even then, I'd just end up being silent or asking her how she was doing because I spend all my time making sure others are doing good while I don't care about myself. Even now, I have my headphones on and I'm listening to some music and I don't want it to end because than I will have to hear my roommate snore on the couch and I'll stress out and want to choke him to death for real... so, I'll finish doing all of this, listen to music til I need to sleep and then go to bed... nice and quiet in my room, I can close the door, it's dark and silent and no one can bother me.
I explained to my father that I wasn't working for much money these days, and that where I work for putting up raves/parties my boss said he'd let me work enough to get me off of welfare. I told my father this and as per usual, he gets mad at me because this makes no sense to him. Who cares if I'm not happy... you can move out to Langley and work for a friend of my father's blah blah blah so I listen to an hour's worth of rhetoric from my ignorant father who often borrows money off of me and I'm on welfare. My mother is a person who missed me all the time but we are not very close... talk very little and she sleeps alot because of her disease fibromyalgia. I needed my teeth fixed and asked my Aunt, who owns two cars and a house, if she would loan me the money to get my teeth fixed and get a plate with two teeth in it so I wouldn't have a gap in my mouth and she said "No... sorry Clayton, we're strapped for cash...". I asked my grandmother, who is a very controlling individual in the first place, if she would loan me the money. She owns a house, a car and has somewhere in the number of 250,000 dollars in stocks/bonds AND has 2500 dollars in an account for when I go to University to help me start out and she said she didn't want to give me a loan for my teeth. I told her I was never going to University and that I needed the money to fix my teeth. She said No. I told her that I would never ask her for anything ever again, and after spitting at her feet, I told her she'd never have a grandson after today. I left the house and heard her start crying and I smiled... and my mother tried to stop me from leaving but I walked away.
Some woman that was interested in me awhile back, and mysteriously dumped me and didn't talk to me for a month or more phones me up and apologized for the way she treated me. BUT she wants to be friends and she starts telling me some of her problems. All the woman I'm interested in have boyfriends that they love... I'm starting to hate everyone around me ... and I don't even know why. All I want to do is get away so I can have more silence and lonliness yet I know deep down I hate being lonely. I thought of moving up to Prince George and living with my ex-girlfriend Carrie... but she told me in a letter that she has become serious with her current boyfriend up there and NOW I don't want to interfere in that because that wouldn't do her any good.
To top it all off... I don't even care, nor know why I am writing this because I don't really give a shit about what anyone has to say anymore because all I ever get from my friends is, "It'll get better buddy..." if I tell them I'm having a bad day and I don't expect anything more out of them... and I dare not tell any women that I'm interested in that I feel like this, they'll avoid me like the plague. All I want is for that old feeling of love to come back from that fucking whore who killed herself after she said she loved me...
So, remember what old Uncle Clayton has to say at a time like this... there's always someone out there who's been through worse than you have. Ha-fucking-ha! Ain't that the truth...