The sight of his fingernails burning brightly brought a tear to
Billy's eye. Not tears of joy. Tears of real and palpable pain.
Billy was a pretty stupid boy.
One day, Billy bugged his parents to buy him a slingshot.
Realizing that this would be too dangerous for their careless
little offspring, they bought him a Mazda RX-7 instead. Billy
didn't like the colour so he threw it away. Now, if there's one
thing I can't stand, it's an ungreatful little moron like Billy,
so, as the author, it is my duty to kill him in the most brutal
But of course, he'll have to cause some mayhem first.
Regretting his disposal of the car, Billy bought himself a Ford
F-350. He got the money from selling magic dirt. Now, the dirt
wasn't really magic, but the people buying it didn't know that.
Neither did Billy, because he was such a retard.
Now Billy was ready to hit the road. If you're wondering
whether he was old enough to drive, he was. Billy was 107 years
old. His dad was 80 and his mom was 6. Billy was kind of
So, as Billy's diesel-burning road-chewing machine from hell
took to the streets, Billy cheered wildly.
Billy's cheering was not appreciated in Bridgeview, and his
neighbours asked him to keep it down as he was lowering the
Billy, oh Billy, you dirt-selling, hamster-eating moron. The
song wailed out of his AM radio. Billy loved country music.
Billy tried to turn up the radio, but instead, accidentally hit
the auto-dismantler switch, which is located right next to the
volume know on all Ford vehicles.
Parts of Billy's truck flew all over the road. Luckily, Billy
managed to avoid hitting his own dismantler switch. I'm sick of
typing the name "Billy" so I'm changing the little bastard's name
Horace now had no buttocks after scraping them all over the
pavement. To teach the pavement a lesson, he smashed it really
hard with his teeth. "I thure thowed HIM!" thaid Horathe
Thuddenly, Horathe found himthelf thurrounded by a huge gang of
killer Jehova'th witnetheth. They didn't jutht WITNESS Jehovah,
they thook hith HAND dammit!
"We're going to kick your teeth in," thaid the firtht one. True
to hith word, he picked up all the broken teeth and kicked them
back in Horathe'th mouf.
"THANKS!" shrieked Horace, at such an annoying volume that they
all went deaf, including Horace.
"..." said the Jehova's witness, because no one could hear him.
After a while, they all learned a crude form of sign language
involving maiming the other person in a variety of interesting
"That will be $10,000," slapped the Jehova's witness.
"What?" bashed Horace.
"For the dental work," chainsawed the Jehova's witness, who
suddenly became Jewish.
"Look, pal," slashed Horace, "I don't owe you a damn thing!"
Horace then set him on fire, which in their new language meant,
"I am a peacock, you son of a bitch."
Horace's toes exploded. Not all at once. One after the other.
They sounded like popcorn.
Horace got very upset at his toes and cut his ears off. Then
he flossed his newly replaced teeth with piano wire and used the
same wire to cut off the circulation on his legs. After a day,
they turned gray and fell off. Actually, he fell off them.
His parents were very upset when they found out. They killed
themselves to teach him a lesson. Since Horace was so inbred
that he was actually his own father, this killed him too.
When his will was read out, it was discovered that he was in
fact all of his own relatives, so he had left everything to
himself. I guess you CAN take it with you.