It was a sad day for all mankind. Everyone suddenly realized how
much everything sucked. So they burned it all. Absolutely
So they were left with a barren planet, and 5 billion people.
Well, what else were they supposed to do?
They played a really big game of leap frog around the equator.
Eventually that got boring, so they played tag. But with only
one "it" and 5 billion people, it got boring REALLY fast for a
lot of people. Especially the eskimos, who only got to play once
in the whole twenty-three years.
So, the only thing left for them to do was gather around the
campfire and tell stories. Unfortunately they had nothing to
burn, so they decided to burn Dave. They didn't have anything to
burn him with so they just left him in the sun for a real long
time, and he got very red and warm. So people gathered around
Dave and began to tell stories. They told funny stories, and sad
stories, and scary stories... well, eventually everyone got
tired, so they pissed on Dave to extinguish him, and they all
went to sleep.
Now this is where the story gets complicated.
News reporters announced that cosmic forces were going to tear
the world in half, so half the earth and anything on it would go
hurtling into the sun and burn up, and the other half would shoot
off into space and eventually freeze.
Now, they didn't have TVs, so they just went around telling
everyone this stuff.
So, everyone gathered around the equator, so when it broke apart,
they could choose which half they were on. They all waitied in
silence for the world to split.
And then suddenly, it did. But unfortunately, it split around
the international date line, eastern hemisphere from western. The
people didn't like this at all so they killed the news reporters.
So, the eastern hemisphere hurtled toward the sun, and the
western hemisphere flew off into space.
The eastern hemisphere didn't have a good time at all. People
got really tired running around it, trying to keep from being on
the hot side, which was hot enough to melt lead, had there been
any lead left. The western hemisphere wasn't so bad off. They
just really wished they had sweaters, and had not burned them.
Eventually, the eastern hemisphere crashed into the sun. Those
people got really dark tans really fast, but then they stopped
being people and started being just a few molecules floating
around in a big ball of flaming gas. All in all, still better
than a career as a politician.
The people on the western hemisphere were really getting cold.
They all huddled together for warmth. Twelve preachers from
Arkansas thought that all these naked people huddling together
was sick, and banished them all from the western hemisphere. So,
they all disembarked at Io, and left the twelve anal retentive
naked preachers to freeze to death.
Io was not named after anything to do with DOS. I don't know
what it's named after, but trust me, this baby has been around a
lot longer than Bill Gates.
The people on Io were getting really hungry. They didn't have
any food, so they looked around for the local 7-11. They found
one, but realized to their dismay that 7-11 doesn't have anything
worth eating. So they all just decided to buy a pack of smokes.
Unfortunately they had burned all of their ID. They were all
shocked that Canadian law applied on Io, and that it was actually
another province. 7-11 was starting to suck so they burned it
It burned real nice. Much better than Dave.