Eeny Meeny Einy Steiny

Once upon a time there was a patent clerk named Einstein.

Einstein was mocked by his peers, hated by his high-school teachers, and pissed upon by the neighborhood dogs. This was because Einstein faintly resembled a bright-red fire hydrant, or at least he did whenever bad ol' Niels Bohr discovered something before he did.

What an arrogant bastard Niels Bohr was! He had the gall to think he was smart enough to re-design the standard, accepted model of the atom! But this story is about Einstein, not Bohr, so let's just kill Bohr off and get him out of the way.

So one day when Bohr was out taking a stroll with his Schnauzer named Tukaluk (who was especially notorious for whizzing on Einstein), babbling incessently on about how his mind was so much more powerful and supercharged than, say, Planke's or Rutherford's, a small meteor composed of atoms that directly opposed every one of Bohr's theories hurtled down from the stratos and pulverized him (and his little dog, too) to a few fine dust particles. Unfortunately the meteor itself was atomized as well, so sadly Bohr's model of the atom still exists, even if he himself does not.

Back to Einstein. Like I said, everyone hated him, and so one day they all set out to kill him. Badly.

Inexplicably, the entire writhing, angry mass of people simultaneously suffered from mass schitzophrenia, and deluded themselves into believing that the guy next to them was actually the next Hitler. So they killed each other off instead, never stopping to consider whether he was really Hitler, or merely just an Elvis impersonator. Which is ironic, because everyone loves an Elvis impersonator.

Well, to make a long story short, Einstein lived a long and fulfilling life, made lots of discoveries, ate lots of cheese, and finally died, drowned in dog piss.

What a sad story.

But wait!

It gets better.

The Llamas flew in, saved the day, and we all rejoiced.

Now, how they actually saved the day is difficult to explain, because that would involve an actual crisis, and the death of Einstein was nothing but a good thing, because if he'd lived any longer, he'd have made more discoveries, thus making high school Physics class an even bigger pain in the ass than it already is.

So taking this into consideration, all those dead guys with schitzophrenia suddenly suffered from unschitzophrenia, and killed the Llamas for making such a dumbass mistake in the first place. Saved the day? Hah!

And by this time the entire planet Earth was in such an uproar over those damn Llamas assuming they had the right to fuck around with our timestream, they all pushed each other off of cliffs, which merely filled up all those oceans and lake and seas, therefore causing a mass earth flooding, which wiped out every known living species.

Luckily, this gave all those unknown species a chance to strut their stuff, but because there was no one to strut their stuff in front of, they kind of snivelled in disgust, and slunk back to their nooks and crannies in Baltimore.

And because there was nothing left on earth, it just up and killed itself. Committed suicide, as it were, by gouging out Africa and then bleeding and vomitting all over Mars, who just sat there and took it.

And Einstein laughed, because he never wanted to be a patent clerk ANYWAYS.

AUTHOR: Coyote