The Hacker's Nutritional Guide
Champions! J0LT Cola.
Hacker Philosophy of Eating
Eating is generally viewed by most hackers as wasted time. For example,
10 seconds taken to eat a bite of Cola-Gummi can mean the difference between
Morris/Torvalds level concentration (big-endian concentration) and distraction.
Time taken for such ridicu lous things as sleep, going to the washroom,
or food are considered goofing off to the majority of hard headed
coders out there, and circut frying hardware weenies. Therefore, the hacker
diet is most compact, and time efficient (except when it is n ot, which
is expected.) Of course, these fine principles of nutrition fade in the
face of personal taste, and weakness and distraction. But they help for
those long nights when you simply must finish the Goddamn Code and there
are gremlins on the inside of your SGI that are putting errors in the static
libraries you are sure of it!
There are two schools of hacker feeding:
These schools of thought are variable of course. When a hacker is on daylight
hours (not coding, hacking) and on social occasions, these conventions
break down. It is also interesting to note that you can identify a hacker
by diet. Anybody who constantly drinks water/coca cola and eats Boost fuel
replacement bars in probably a hack.
Nothingness: Eating as little as possible, whenever possible.
Usually 20 meals a day.
Gluttony: Eating as much as possible in large bursts, usually
1 meal a day.
Four Major Food Groups Groups
The big four are:
Exceptions (Not really a group)
Generally Caffeine/Stimulants/Medicinals can be any substance (usually
pharmecutical in nature) that enhances the performance of the following
systems in the body:
Parasympathetic Nervous System (Fight-or-Flight reactions to maintain nervous
Central Nervous System (Higher brain functions such as object subclassing
Sombulatic Repression Loop aka Asimbulatic Loop (Sleep repression part
of a person's metbology.)
Various Glandular systems for low-level body hacking (For stimulation of
the appropriate hormones, fine tuning performance.)
Exceptions to this general rule are substances that may be a ritualistic
part of hacking. For example, substances like Elacca and Mustard powder
are used for a total digestive system cleansing after a bad hack. They
serve no purpose other than ritual, but then again, that is important to
A List of Common Medicinals
Vitamins A, B12, C (500mg or more), ProVitaSoy drink.
Ground Sunflower petals (rich in phosphorus!)
Anything dried and powdered from Chinatown (bear livers, cod noses etc.)
Chili Peppers (habaneros, espositos, jalapenos)
Jolt Cola (applies in all categories)
Tylenol 3 + Sherry, Jack Daniels || booze = fun
Mold taken off top of Pizza (Penicillin V or Amoxicillin)
A List of Common Stimulants
A List of Common Caffeine Sources These are good caffeine sources.
Tested and selective. Others may imitate them, but each source has its
benefits. To a true Berkeley hacker (esoteric west coast AI coders and
ex-BSD project staff) caffeine sources are like wine. An example would
be Dr. Pepper. It has a rich, sweet, and acient taste. It rolls pleasantly
off ones soft palate, and leaves just the right pressure of CO2 in the
sinuses. Best served ice cold in warm weather (when the nitrogen cooler
on the Cray blows itself out, or the air conditioning goes.)
Vasopressin (Purint and hormone stimulant in the brain stem. For low level
Piracetam (Antioxidant and all around smart drink)
Pure Oxygen (cellular metabolism enhancer in many ways.)
Laughing gas (relieves emotional stress, makes you laugh)
Sprite + Cough medicine = hallucinations?
Chromium Picolinate (Metabolic enhancer)
Jolt Cola (applies in all categories)
Anything available from Finlandia Pharmacy that they reccomend (10th and
TENS electrostimulator (for muscular/nervous stimulation, attach to temples
for dangerous but quick wake up or black out..)
Adrenaline (available from snake bite, bee sting and medical kits everywhere.
Best percentage from St. Johns ambulance kit. VERY VERY dangerous. Inject
in to various veins)
Pituitary hormone(s) (usually extracted from dead monkeys, so may not be
ethical. Use with extreme caution, only for 2 weeks+ hacks.)
Pain (triggers various opoids and natural highs.)
A List of Common Caffeine Sources
Coke (Coca Cola)
Bukkett Coffee (Dangerous, from Div Bukkett email@example.com)
Tea (Russian or Indian)
Medical Kits (For heart attack victims, direct ventricular injection)
Cafe Semifredo (a Gelato, or Gelati. Italian ice cream. Made with the dense
European coffee we love so well.)
Gunk on bottom of coffee maker (handle with care! very powerful!)
Intervenous drip (careful with this one.)
Cardiac injection (St. John's ambulance kits have best percentages or parts
Any Starbucks variety that is over $300 a gram.
Carbohydrates are the primary weapon of a person (or what's left of a sysadmin)
who has been fasting. It is also the solemn dirge of one who loves to consume
until blue in the face. For the nothing school of eating, carbohydrates
are best consumed before a long period of work. For the glutton school,
they are best consumed all through the period of work. The most effective
and time efficient way to consume carbohydrates is intervenously. This
is difficult to do for reasons best mentioned, lest a fanatic read this:
Intervenous does not work well for people with high blood pressure. It
does not, therefore, go down well with our hack heart rates. We could explode
the drip bag.
Carbohydrates are best prepared boiled to nothingness (mash potato primordial
soup) or dry. There is some leeway with purified water, seeing that cooking
is not nessecary to produce a completely bacteria-free product. Please
make sure that the product you try to cook is SEALED well. Otherwise, there
could still be a germ or two left in the food. That just wouldn't do.The
the fragile health between coma and hyperactivity, hacks must guard their
immune systems well. Remember when the old VM machines were in a glass
house? That was there to make sure the admins didn't get colds.
Cream of Wheet (made WITHOUT milk, with distilled water)
Kraft Dinner (With or without catsup)
Bagels (REAL ones from Bennys Bagles on 10th)
Potato(e)s (None of those organix shitty ones from Capers... REAL irradiated
All Bran (taken dry, or with distilled water)
Jolt Cola (Applies in all categories)
Powdered variety, Mashed potatoes.
Dinosaur piss is good stuff. For one, it makes up plastic, so why not eat
it? Surely if a rubber boot can last 2000 years a human can if he/she eats
enough hydrocarbons. There are a couple of ways to purchase the proper
It is best to buy your petrochemicals from a reputable manufacturer. It
is a rumour at the USGS (United STates Geological Survey) that Saudi Arabian
derived foam bannas are better than the American variety. Many patriotic
Canadians died to bring us this information. Use it well. Do not buy from
Make sure the gas station/COSTCO is well stocked with non-chocolate items.
Purchase the mooshy, hard, covered with acidic crystal stuff. It preserves
your ulcer well.
Buy nothing less than 300g at once.
The cheapest are the best.
List of Common Petrochemical products
Blue fish/blue feet
Gummi Bears (none of that fruit jiuce crap.)
Foamy Strawberries (Covered with crust of red dye No.5 crystal)
Licorice (also has medicinal value.)
Sweet Cheez (hard to find)
Green hair candy
King Kombo jelly
Creamo fake cream
Packaged gravy (yessir, its a petrochemical! Mm mmm good.)
Chicken boullion cubes
The world of sugar consumption is governed by only a couple of rules. For
the purposes of this Guide, the reader is left to fend for him/herself
in the matter of choice. All sugar is good, be it extruded (candyfloss)
or crystalized (rock candy.)
Rules of Sugar Selection:
Cost is no object for good sugar!
Qunatity is generally better than quantity. (eg. One Trouffalt de Four
at Quiver's of Paris or 432 Mars Bars world wide? There is no question.)
Avoid the dreaded organic sugar and honey sweetened goods. They merely
pretend to be something that they are not.
Jolt Cola is an excellent source of sugar!
Some hackers thrive on regularity of diet (3 Mars Bars a day) and some
on absolute diversity. FIND OUT WHICH YOU ARE!
The Exceptions to the Groups (Because hacking involves exceptions)
Make any exceptions you like. If you are a bisexual gerbil from Rumania,
and you enjoy fruit sweetened organic carrots, go right ahead. Eat them.
See if I care. You are only as good as the number of exceptions you have
to this list. As a matter of fact, I am hoping to gauge the health of the
hack community by reading all the hatemail that this Guide gets. Flame
me, please. Hackdom is better as Spock put it, in Infinite Diversity in
Good Dietary Habits
Eat. If you die, it means that you hav either eaten too much or too little.
AUTHOR: The Lauging Fool