101 WAYS

TO CONFUSE YOUR ROOMMATE

1. Smoke weed. Do whatever comes naturally.

2. Switch the sheets on your beds while s/he is at class.

3. Twitch a lot.

4. Pretend to talk while pretending to be asleep.

5. Steal a fishtank. Fill it with beer and dump sardines in
it. Talk to them.

6. Become a subgenius.

7. Inject his/her twinkies with a mixture of Dexatrim and MSG.

8. Learn to levitate. While your roommate is looking away,
float up out of your seat. When s/he turns to look, fall back
down and grin.

9. Speak in tongues.

10. Move you roommate's personal effects around. Start
subtlely. Gradually work up to big things, and eventually glue
everything s/he owns to the ceiling.

11. Walk and talk backwards.

12. Spend all your money on Jolt Cola. Drink it all. Stack
the cans in the middle of your room. Number them.

13. Spend all your money on Transformers. Play with them at
night. If your roommate says anything, tell him/her with a
straight face, "They're more than meets the eye."

14. Recite entire movie scripts (e.g. "The Road Warrior," "Repo
Man," Casablanca,") almost inaudibly.

15. Kill roaches with a monkey wrench while playing Wagnerian
arias on a kazoo. If your roommate complains, explain that it
is for your performance art class (or hit him/her with the
wrench).

16. Collect all your urine in a small jug.

17. Chain yourself to your roommate's bed. Get him/her to
bring you food.

18. Get a computer. Leave it on when you are not using it.
Turn it off when you are.

19. Ask your roommate if your family can move in "just for a
couple of weeks."

20. Buy as many back issues of Field and Stream as you can.
Pretend to masturbate while reading them.

21. Fake a heart attack. When your roommate gets the
paramedics to come, pretend nothing happened.

22. Eat glass.

23. Smoke ballpoint pens.

24. Smile. All the time.

25. Collect dog shit in baby food jars. Sort them according to
what you think the dog ate.

26. Burn all your waste paper while eying your roommate
suspiciously.

27. Hide a bunch of potato chips and Ho Hos in the bottom of a
trash can. When you get hungry, root around in the trash. Find
the food, and eat it. If your roommate empties the trash before
you get hungry, demand that s/he reimburse you.

28. Leave a declaration of war on your roommate's desk.
Include a list of grievances.

29. Paste boogers on the windows in occult patterns.

30. Shoot rubber bands at your roommate while his/her back is
turned, and then look away quickly.

31. Dye all your underwear lime green.

32. Spill a lot of beer on his/her bed. Swim.

33. Bye three loaves of stale bread. Grow mold in the closet.

34. Hide your underwear and socks in your roommate's closet.
Accuse him/her of stealing it.

35. Remove your door. Ship it to your roommate's parents
(postage due).

36. Pray to Azazoth or Zoroaster. Sacrifice something nasty.

37. Whenever your roommate walks in, wait one minute and then
stand up. Announce that you are going to take a shower. Do so.
Keep this up for three weeks.

38. Array thirteen toothbrushes of different colors on your
dresser. Refuse to discuss them.

39. Paint your half of the room black. Or paisley.

40. Whenever he/she is about to fall asleep, ask questions that
start with "Didja ever wonder why...." Be creative.

41. Shave one eyebrow.

42. Put your mattress underneath your bed. Sleep down under
there and pile your dirty clothes on the empty bedframe. If
your roommate comments, mutter "Gotta save space," twenty times
while twitching violently.

43. Put horseradish in your shoes.

44. Shelve all your books with the spines facing the wall.
Complain loudly that you can never find the book that you want.

45. Always flush the toilet three times.

46. Subsist entirely on pickles for a week. Vomit often.

47. Buy a copy of Frankie Yankovic's "Pennsylvania Polka," and
play it at least 6 hours a day.

48. Give him/her an allowance.

49. Listen to radio static.

50. Open your window shades before you go to sleep each night.
Close them as soon as you wake up.

51. Cry a lot.

52. Send secret admirer notes on your roommate's blitzmail.

53. Clip your fingernails and toenails and keep them in a
baggie. Leave the baggie near your computer and snack from it
while studying. If he/she walks by, grab the bag close and eye
him/her suspiciously.

54. Paste used kleenexes to his/her walls.

55. Whenever your roomate comes in from the shower, lower your
eyes and giggle to yourself.

56. If you get in before your roomate, go to sleep in his/her
bed.

57. Put pornos under his/her bed. Whenever someone comes to
visit your roommate when they're not home, show them the
magazines.

58. Whenever you go to sleep, start jumping on your bed . . . do
so for a while, then jump really high and act like you hit your
head on the ceiling. Crumple onto your bed and fake like you
were knocked out . . . use this method to fall asleep every
night for a month.

59. If your roommate goes away for a weekend, change the locks.

60. Whenever his/her parents call and ask for your roommate,
breathe into the phone for 5 seconds then hang up.

61. Whenever he/she goes to shower, drop whatever you're doing,
grab a towel, and go shower too.

62. Find out your roommate's post office box code. Open it and
take his/her mail. Do this for one month. After that, send the
mail to him/her by UPS.

63. Collect all of your pencil shavings and sprinkle them on the
floor.

64. Create an imaginary cat for a pet. Talk to it every night,
act like you're holding it, keep a litter box under your desk.
After two weeks, say that your cat is missing. Put up signs in
your dorm, blame your roommate.

65. Call safety & security whenever your roommate turns up
his/her music.

66. Follow him/her around on weekends.

67. Sit on the floor and talk to the wall.

68. Whenever the phone rings, get up and answer the door.

69. Whenever someone knocks, answer the phone.

70. Take his/her underwear. Wear it.

71. Whenever your roommate is walking through the room, bump
into him/her.

72. Stare at your roommate for five minutes out of every hour.
Don't say anything, just stare.

73. Tell your roommate that someone called and said that it was
really important but you can't remember who it was.

74. Let mice loose in his/her room.

75. Give each of your walls a different name. Whenever you can't
answer a problem, ask each of your walls. Write down their
responses, then ask your ceiling for the final answer. Complain
to your roommate that you don't trust your ceiling.

76. Take your roommate's papers and hand them in as your own.
Admit it openly.

77. Skip to the bathroom.

78. Take all of your roommate's furniture and build a fort.
Guard the fort for an entire weekend.

79. Gather up a garbage bag full of leaves and throw them in a
pile in his/her room. Jump in them. Comment about the beautiful
foilage.

80. When you walk into your room, turn off your lights. Turn
them on when you leave.

81. Print up satanic signs and leave them in your room where
he/she can find them.

82. Whenever you're on the phone and he/she walks in, hang up
immediately without saying anything and crawl under your desk.
Sit there for two minutes than call whoever it was back.

83. Insist on writing the entire lyrics to American Pie on your
ceiling above your bed. Sing them every night before you go to
bed.

84. Use a bible as kleenex. Yell at your roommate if they say
Jesus or God Damnit.

85. Burn incense.

86. Eat moths.

87. Buy Sea Monkeys and grow them. Name one after your roommate.
Announce the next day that that one died. Name another one after
your roommate. The next day say that it died. Keep this up until
they all die.

88. Collect Chia-Pets.

89. Refuse to communicate in anything but sign language.

90. Eat a bag of marshmellows before you go to bed. The next
day, spray three bottles of whip cream all over your floor. Say
you got sick.

91. Wipe deodorant all over your roommate's walls.

92. If you know that he/she is in the room, come barging in out
of breath. Ask if they saw a fat bald naked Tibetan man run
through carrying a hundred dollar bill. Run back out swearing.

93. Leave apple cores on his/her bed.

94. Keep feces in your fridge. Complain that there is never
anything to eat.

95. Piss in a jar and leave it by your bed. When your roommate
isn't looking, replace it with a jar of apple juice. Wait until
your roommate turns around. Drink it.

96. Don't ever flush.

97. Buy an inflatable doll. Sleep with it.

98. Hang stuffed animals with nooses from your ceiling. Whenever
you walk by them mutter, "You shouldn't have done that to me."

99. Lick him/her while they are asleep.

100. Dress in drag.

101. If your roommate changes the locks, sit outside in the hall
or on the front step, play the ukelele, and beg for spare change
from anyone who passes by.

AUTHOR: Anonymous