Uncle Sam Has a Hyperbolic Device

or

What's That Up My Nose?

I really HATE it when I'm woken up out of my slumbering dreamland by way of a pair of Berettas shoved forcibly up my nostrils.

I hate it even more when those guns are gripped in the sweaty, filthy palms of a couple of Special Agents from Brazil, who would like to talk with me concerning a certain manipulation of information in their government systems (My, these Brazilians have a way with words).

Don't they realize that a person can't discuss anything when their nasal passages are being blocked by blued-steel Saturday Night Specials (Okay, fine, maybe they aren't exactly Saturday Night SPECIALS... maybe along the lines of Friday Afternoon Paycheck, but then again, what do I know?)?

Which is the first thing they ask me, ironically. To which, unfortunately for them (and probably DARNED lucky for me), I have to answer, "Nothing.". I'm a drug czar, not a hacker. Good thing they don't know that, or I'd have my czarian license revoked. And I can't tell you just how difficult it is to get vertical on the drug czar ladder without an official license (Yeppers, the Brazilian government actually LICENSES their drug lords - how the hell else do you think they tax them?).

This entire excursion has nothing to do with my point. Being, as if you hadn't guessed already, the government and the public's privacy. Now that I've taken a detour to tell you what the point is, I'll tell you another completely unrelated story.

I have a friend, who will remain anonymous for the time being (a courtesy that he WILL appreciate, when he finds out I wrote about him). This friend has expurgated a number of times on the evils of the government, namely their propagandous persona, their invasional tactics, and their habit of witholding critical information from the civilians - namely, us. Of course, this all relates to the US govt; the Canadian Parliament (for all our Canadian readers, eh... Namely, myself.) is a different matter. Doesn't much matter: If you fellow Canajins hadn't noticed, we're like the little brother the big ol' US of A never had. We follow in his footsteps, so to speak.

I remember sitting in an A&W's with this friend of mine, discussing the then recently-released movie, "JFK". In my absolute state of naivity, I claimed that it was about 85% fiction, and the rest was derived from obscure, obsolete documents, government or other. My compadre, on the other hand, firmly believed that it was part of a conspiracy (the movie itself) in an effort to desensitize the masses into believing that that the entire plot behind JFK's assassination was fictional. "And you, mon ami; you have fallen for it hook, line, and sinker.".

I do not like being told this. It does not contribute to a pleasant atmosphere when one is being told, very confidently, that one is a fool. So, in a fit of unbridled irritation, I challenged him on the point. In essence, "What do YOU know about it, anyways?" were the words that tumbled from my lips and splattered on the already-ketchup, mustard, and frenchfry- smudged table. He looked at the mess, and then at me, contemptuously.

But I digress. I'm not trying to relay the pointless bickering of two juveniles, but rather the fact that the government has (according to some individuals) eyes and ears everywhere. And hopefully to incite some sort of paranoia in the more neurotic readers out there. That makes me dance around in uncontrollable piroettes of glee, it does.

The fact of the matter is, there is all sorts of things we take for granted that we assume the government doesn't know about. Cheating on our tax returns, incriminating phone calls, using Speedstick one morning because you ran out of Gillette; the list is endless.

They know, for instance, that you called your Uncle Joe the other day, and have on TAPE, DISK, and DOCUMENTED THREE-FOLD that he called the US Senate "A gaggle of mindless beaureaucratic goose fodder". They KNOW that you're wearing underwear that has swastikas printed all over it. And they KNOW, without a shadow of a doubt, that you tend to prefer economy-deficient chewing gum imported from Switzerland. They know all these things, they keep record of everything to the minutest detail.

But why have you never heard of this before? Why has no action been taken by government officials? Why have there never been FBI agents knocking at your door, saying something like, "Sorry to disturb you, sir, but do you realize what you're doing by chewing <insert your favorite Swiss Gum here) brand of chewing gum? This gum is imported from Switzerland! You're throwing off the balance of our entire ecosystem! We must request that you desist immediately, before any more homeless children on the streets of Denver starve."? And of course, you'd have to comply after they showed you all those 5 x 8's of emancipated orphans. Anything less would be uncivilized. But why, I repeat, have these things never occurred in the first place?

Because they don't care. The government just DOES NOT CARE whether you hate them or not, and they never will unless 1) you have some sort of major income from which they can make large amounts of moolah in suing your butt off, and/or 2) you become an influential person in certain influential circles (implying, of course, that at the moment you are simply an insignificant halfbreed with the wit of a dog, and have absolutely no effect on your surroundings). The latter occurs in the case of militant underground rebel leaders, capitalistic megalomaniac executives, and double agents from Spain, posing as fat, bald, bespectacled little men in their late forties/early fifties, that wear stomach-churning prints and cheap khaki, and walk their pet canines around the block every morning at precisely 5:32 AM - which annoys the hell out of you, and you're quite surprised you've managed to stay out of the Annoying-Little-Yappy-Pet-Dog- Strangling-Psychotic Ward at whichever Institute you might choose to be institutionalized at.

Chew on that, paranoids. And just think about how closely that describes little Mr. Frishberg, down the street... What? He's not Spanish... 'Course, there's always cosmetic surgery to lay blame on... How I do love planting these seeds of confusion...

So what can you do? It is obviously an invasion of privacy, and I'm sure you don't need to be told just how many people are put out by THAT fact. But upwards of becoming a rebel leader or a power hungry executive (no one, of course, WANTS to be a Spanish Double Agent posing as a short fat balding guy) there's no easy way. That was a bad way of putting it. Becoming a rebel leader or a power hungry executive isn't usually an easy task. Let me re-phrase: Unless you're a rebel leader or a power hungry executive, there's no easy way (how's that for a rewrite, eh?). You could assassinate all government officials on a whim, but there's quite a lot of them and you'd probably end up turning your back at critical moment - for instance, just as a barrage of .38s are zeroing in on your spinal cord. Talk about putting your back out.

There is nothing you can do. Flee to the hills, where the cow runs/grazes free, and the fenceposts are not cored with media-gathering equipment. Or better yet, flee to another country. I hear most of Communist China is nice these days. Or you can flee to Spain, and become a SFBDA, but they've been trying for something like eighty years to dismember the American Dream, and all they've accomplished is convincing Spiffy that he's a bad dog for lifting his leg on your lawn.

Of course, there's the small matter of the US covertly controlling most of the so-called 'free' Western world. Canada, Mexico, Great Britain, France, and a few others are nothing but carnivore-bait without the US. Now, this is in no way some sort of skewered American patriotism, because I have none, but rather, I've recognized just how influential the American government can be with their propaganda techniques. Sort of like Hitler's Regime, without the armbands and Jews are equal to every other victim who doesn't work in a govt. office.

It's the same underlying principle: convince the people that a certain way is the correct way. And you can bet a cow's udder it'll be in some way beneficial to their plans. Let's see, now... Beer, Saturday Morning Cartoons, Anything and Everything Related To Computers (except, of course, for the Underground...and I doubt that sometimes, even), Block-Buster Cinema Hits, Sony, McDonald's, Ford, IBM, Barney (One of their less successful ventures) and so on; the government is telling each and every one of them how to operate, how to run their ad campaigns, and how to pretend that they know nothing about it (usually through some sort of secretly administered amnesiac-inducing drug). Remember the Six-Million-Dollar Man? A government conspiracy to desensitize 'civilians' to the ideas of a bionic man. Instated because a research project disappeared from their labs, and into Southern US. So help me God, I swear it's true.

And speaking of desensitizing television series, haven't you ever been the least bit suspicious of The X-Files? I mean, any show that can simultaneously make the FBI look good and dull our subconscious' to the truth about alien visitors ('Government denies knowledge'? We KNEW that already! 'The Truth is out there'? Of course it is! The Government has it!) has got to have SOME sort of beaureaucratic backing.

So you can buckle under, if that's the easiest thing for you. But as for myself, I could never live knowing that millions, possibly billions of people are being deceived into thinking that the government is their friend, their pal, their great American buddy with a baseball glove and a ten-speed, when in reality, it's nothing more than an oligarchy of a number of insane power- mongers who have, and continue to retain, a firm grasp on the masses' lives and minds. America, the home of the brave and the land of the free. Thank God I'm not American.

- Coyote

NOTE FROM SENATOR EXON:

This has been a public service message from the Department of Desemination of The Circulation of Panic-Inducing Rumors of Government Propagation. You will see that this is merely a humorous parody of the small percentile of individuals who attempt to inaugerate unfounded and potentially harmful ideas into American Society. This is not, I repeat, NOT to be taken seriously. Thank you.