How To Cook a TABBER (or the Cybercannibal's guide to happy eating) By Chef Purple de Haze Welcome to my kitchen... Here at Le Bistro de Chanvre, we serve up a glorious selection of meals at outrageous prices made only from the FINEST computer geeks we can find... But since I am becoming so FILTHY in my acquired wealth, I have decided to pass on the recipes that have made my culinary skills world renowned. First some tips in acquiring ingredients... Since most of the MAIN ingredients are quite rare, it is suggested that the cook be careful of laws that may make it a criminal offence to actually COOK the ingredients... But nevermind that for now... LET'S GET COOKING... Appetizers ~~~~~~~~~~ "Deep Fried Beatle Wonton Soup" Take one Beatle and throw him in a food processor... Dip the Beatle-bits in batter and TOSS 'em in the fat... Cook em up and throw into the soup base... Simmer then eat, duh... mmm mm good.... "Harry Sheep lamb bits salad" Take one wide-eyed Harry Sheep and throw her in the cuisanart... CHOP CHOP CHOP!!!! cut up some fucking lettuce and throw her in... Serve with a large hat as a cocktail umbrella ... Suggested dressings : Anything cheesy... Entrees ~~~~~~~ "Bitter Kabobs" Take one Bitter Ben (aka digital Poodle) and strip down. Take a large stick (broom handles will suffice) and sharpen one end. Amid complaints of "drugs are bad" and the like, shove stick up his ass till it comes out of his nose. Toss him on a SPIT and and spin really fast over an open fire. When well done sprinkle salt liberally on his blistered flesh, so as to remove some of the EXTREMELY bitter flavour. Note, it is advised that you be wary of this species' liver, seeing as it may contain toxic quantities of assorted chemicals, especially LSD. "Analogue Cat Chow Mein" Take one Voi and chop her into large pieces, big enough to hold in chopsticks, but small enough to chew easily. Fry the pieces up with some garlic and beef broth. Add assorted vegetables (your choice) and fry a little longer. Finally, add the noodles with 2 cups of broth... A favourite dish among locals in need of a good meal with LITTLE meat... "Reggae Chicken with Zinnia Rock stuffing" yup... One Reggae Chicken PLUCKED... Stuff her with Zinnia flowers and assorted ROCKS... (beware of ecstatic moans emanating from the drinking hole. If moaning doesn't stop, stuff an apple in her mouth, and seal with duct tape.) Cook up in a microwave oven tuned to 101.9 Mhz on tuesdays from 3-5pm. Serve with FRUIT... (Note... It is interesting to note that the Zinnia is found among the pastures where the Reggae Chicken is known to graze. What a coincidence, eh?) "Curried Tzeentch with Fillet of Cthulu" One Tzeentch... CHOP CHOP CHOP... Burn him GOOOOOOD... Throw in some curry... cook fer a bit... Set aside to cool... Next use machete to casually slice the meat from Cthulu's bones... fry 'im up... yeeee haw... Plop Tzeentch over the sole... serve with assorted foam weaponry to b0nk! the food back down when you get sick... "Fried fUP Flambee" Take one fUP. Get him really stoned... Since he's fried enuff at this point, merely set his tie-dye's on fire with yer Bic lighter, and eat... Desserts ~~~~~~~~ "Bluck Surprise" Hey... If you can catch him, then yer in fer a surprise... nuff said... "James Joyce Fat Fortune Cookies" Prepare any old fortune cookie recipe as normal. Take a nice long fucking message from DJJJ, and print it up (usually about 6-7 pages). Proceed to stuff the 'words of wisdom' into one of the cookies. If you run into problems (eg. cookie too small, etc.) try stuffing the cookie INTO the 'fortune'... Note: Do not use the following ingredients : Meat (any kind), Wheat, sugar, anything else processed. Except Corn Flakes and Soy Bean Dairy products. "Etana 1/2 Poundcake" Make yer average poundcake, except, instead of egg yolks, substitute with pureed Etana... It may be small, but, DAMN, it sure is filling... "Purple Haze SPACE CAKE!!!!!!" Take one liver and brain from the sub-genus of the common junkie, known as Purple Haze... also found in the family of Purplious Hazium... In other coutries, it is known Steneruud, Ruud-dog, Jatbinder, or "whatever you want man..." Take the brain and mix with Grape Jell-O, and set aside to mix. Roll the liver in freshly ground marijuana buds. NO LEAF, DAMNIT! Throw brain/jello and liver-weed into bowl, and stir like a psychopath. Add flour (made from Leaf...), liberal amounts of LSD, and a dash of DMT (for flavour), and shake it up in a good BONG! Pour into a bowl and BAKE, baby, BAKE for a few days... Then when you come down from the fumes (whoa.. the colours), set aside to cool... Pop the cake out of the bowl, and top with several LARGE Psylocibe Cubensis caps... Eat with many friends, and talk about important things like why the sky is suddenly orange and flourescent green, with flying Dr. Pepper bottles soaring around... Feel the peace, happiness, and all that other good shit... So ends the delights that have come from the kitchen of a mad man... Eat them in good health, and THINK FOR YOURSELF, QUESTION AUTHORITY!!! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The preceding piece of obscurity that came out of a bizzare conversation with Beatle about how to get downtown is brought to by the following: Your local gov't anti-drug propaganda producer "This is your brain... this is your brain with a side of bacon, on toast" Makers of antacids that don't work worth a shit when you feel like driving the porcelain bus... Reunite... Try it with TANG!!! Dr. Pepper... Dr. Timothy Leary... What a nutty guy... Jimi Hendrix, Steve Vai, Frank Zappa, Stomping Tom Connors and the Flying Finnish Polka Squadron... The "U.S. of fucking A." for all their great work at going to war on their own people (DRUG WAR!!!!) becuz there are no wars that they can fight in right now overseas... The Jehovah's Witnesses, for never coming back when they say they will... When the HELL are they gonna sit down and have a chat session with me... Sandoz, for making great LSD... The wonderful people on TaB-NET, who will probably want to hang me by the testicles for this little parody... COME ON PEOPLE... IT'S JUST A FUCKING JOKE... heheh... The grateful growers of BC... you know who you are... And most of all... YOU... for actually reading this far... I mean, this was one helluva piece of spew... Probably on the entertainment chart somewhere between having an enema and trying to guess what type of bodily fluid is dribbling out of your ear when you get an infection. Otay... Sleaze Ya Laidher... And merry cooking you pranksters...