THE WORST OF MONTY PYTHON'S FLYING CIRCUS With special bonus Monty Python's Previous Record tagged on to the end. Transcribed by Jeremy Reimer, alias The Jaguar!, in a fit of boredom due to UBC being closed because of severe snow. 1-9-91. Note that certain parts are kind of dubious due to the fact that I had to write out this ENTIRE RECORD FROM MEMORY due to a CERTAIN UNNAMED PERSON accidentally *LOSING* my official Worst of Monty Python's Flying Circus tape. Hopefully once I finish transcribing it I can use that section of memory for something else more useful, like remembering snowfall records for the last six decades in Whitehorse. Note: More to come! Don't be fooled by imitations! Accept only The Jaguar's Python transcripts, certifiably 97.341% accurate and available in several airomatically fresh scents. So, have fun impressing your friends by memorizing entire Python skits! Be a certified loony! Obtain a license for your pet fish Eric! The possibilities are endless! NOTE: Strictly unofficial script. To avoid any (laughter) copyright problems I will simply say that any similarity to existing real Python scripts, living or dead, is entirely coincidental. SIDE ONE: SIDE TWO: Flying Sheep More Television Interviews Trade Description Act Children's Stories Nudge Nudge The Visitors Interesting People The Mouse Problem The Barber Buying a Bed Television Interviews The North Minehead By-election The Pet Shop Self-Defence -------------------------------SIDE ONE:------------------------------------ Scene: Pastoral country setting. Sheep baaing in background. Man: (Terry Jones): What a lovely day isn't it? Farmer: (Probably Graham Chapman): Mrwa! Tis that! Man: Are you here on holiday? Farmer: No, I live here. Man: Oh! Good for you! (slight pause) Man: Uh.. those are sheep, aren't they? Farmer: Mrwa! Man: Yes, yes, I thought they were. Only... why are they up in the trees? Farmer: A fair question, and one that in recent weeks has been moouch on moie moind. It's moie considered opinion that ther' [sic] nesting. Man: Nesting? Like birds? Farmer: Exactly. These sheep are labouring under the misapprehension that ther' birds. Observe ther' behaviour. Notice the sheep's tendency to 'op about the field on ther' back legs. Now notice ther' attempts to fly from tree to tree. Notice they do not so much fly, as plummet. (sound of sheep falling heavily to earth) Man: Yes, but why do they think they're birds? Farmer: Another fair question. One thing is for sure. The sheep is not a creature of the air. They have enormous difficulty in the comparatively simple act of perching. Trouble is, sheep are very dim. Once they've got an idear in ther' heads there's no shiftin' it! Man: Yes, but where do they get the idea? Farmer: From 'arold. 'e's that most dangerous of creatures, a clever sheep. 'e's realoized that a sheep's loife consists of standin' around for a few months and then bein' eaten, and that's a depressin' prospect for an ambitious sheep. 'e's patented it on the idear of escape. Man: Well, why don't they just remove Harold? Farmer: Because of the enourmous commercial possibilities if 'e succeeds... Announcer: (Eric Idle) And what exactly are the commercial possibilities of ovine aviation? Another Announcer: (John Cleese) Mesdames et Monsieurs, voici le mouton anglo-fran‡ais, et maintenant je vous presentes le prof c‚lŠbre, Jean Bryant Jetepetites.. Jean Bryant: (Michael Palin) Merci mon petit shue-shues, c'est le petit prof extraordinaires, et le mouton avec le propre dans le nez, avec the naughty Bryant troumpe cannes allez petites... (fades into nonsense) Interviewer: (Eric Idle) And how do you get along with French people? Housewife (Graham Chapman..?) Very well, yes.. Housewife 2 (?) So do I, yes, so does Mrs. H... Housewife 3 (?) I mean be fair, Pascal.. Housewife 1: Oo! Blaise Pascal!! Housewife 2: Jean-Paul Sartre! Rene Descartes! Interviewer: And what do you think of the Germans? Housewife 1: Rubbish! Rubbish! Housewife 2: Emannuel Ruben... Housewife 3: The ego posits itself, my foot! Housewife 1: Knee-strap! (all break into silly laughter) Interviewer: Would you swap, Rene Descartes for, say, Hegel and Martin Heidegger? Housewives (all): No! No! Keep Descartes! Definitely! Mmm! Announcer: (Eric Idle): And now for something completely different. A man with three buttocks. Interviewer: (John Cleese) I have with me here Mr. Arthur Frampton, who.. Mr. Frampton, I understand that you, as it were, uh, let me put this another way. I believe that whereas most people have two.... Two. Mr. Frampton (Michael Palin) I'm sorry? Interviewer: Ah, yes, ah. Mr. Frampton... Is that chair comfortable? Mr. Frampton: Fine, yes.. Interviewer: Excellent, excellent. Now, Mr. Frampton. Vis … vie, your rump. Mr. Frampton: I beg your pardon? Interviewer: Your rump. Mr. Frampton: What? Interviewer: Your derriŠre. (Whispering). Posterior! Sit-upon. Mr. Frampton: What's that? Interviewer: (Whispering softly) Your buttocks. Mr. Frampton: (yelling) Oh! Me Bum! Interviewer: Shh! Shh! Shh! Ah, Mr. Frampton. I understand that you have a.. fifty-percent bonus in the region of what you said. Mr. Frampton: I got three cheeks, yes. Interviewer: Excellent, excellent. Now ah, we were wondering, ah, Mr. Frampton, if you could show your way clear, by giving us a quick... a quick.. visual... Mr. Frampton, could you please take your trousers down. Mr. Frampton: What! Get away! I'm not takin' me trousers down on television! Interviewer: Please take them down. Mr. Frampton: No! Interviewer: Now, ah look, ah, its quite easily for someone to come along here, *claiming* that.. they have a bit to spare in the botty department the point is, our viewers need proof! Mr. Frampton: I've been on personal radio! And the Forces network! Announcer (as before) : And now for something completely different. A man with three buttocks. Interviewer: I have with me here Mr. Arthur Frampton, who.. Mr. Frampton, I understand that you, as it were, ah. Let me put this another way. I believe that whereas most people have t.. Excuse me.. Didn't we do this just now? Mr. Frampton: Ah.. yes. Interviewer: Well why didn't you say so? Mr. Frampton: I thought it was the Continental version! (incidental music) Policeman (John Cleese): Good Evening, you are Mr. Wizzo, the sole proprietor and owner of the Wizzo Chocolate Company? Mr. Wizzo (Terry Jones): I am. Policeman: Superintendant Parrot and I from the 'ygeine squad. We want to have a word with you about your box of chocolates entitled the Wizzo quality assortment. Mr. Wizzo: Ah yes. Policeman: If I may begin at the beginning? First there is the cherry fondue. This is extremely nasty. We can't prosecute you for that. Mr. Wizzo: Indeed. Policeman: Next we have number four.. Crunchy Frog. Am I right in believing that there's a real frog in the chocolate? Mr. Wizzo: Yes, a little one. Policeman: What sort of frog? Mr. Wizzo: A dead frog. Policeman: Is it cooked? Mr. Wizzo: No... Policeman: What! A rrraw frrrog? Mr. Wizzo: But we use only the finest, baby frogs, due picked and flown from Iraq, cleansed in finest quality spring water, lightly killed and then covered in a Swiss quintuple-smooth chocolate envelope, and lovingly frosted with glucose! Policeman: That's as maybe, it's still a frog! Mr. Wizzo: Well, what else? Policeman: Well don't you even take the bones out? Mr. Wizzo: (indignant) If we took the bones out, it wouldn't be crunchy, would it? Policeman: (softly) Superintendant Parrot ate one of those.. Superintendant (Graham Chapman): Will you excuse me a moment? (Rushes to washroom throwing up) Mr. Wizzo: It says Crunchy Frog quite clearly.. Policeman: We have to protect the general public! They won't expect there to be a real frog in the chocolate! Superintendant Parrot thought it was an almond whirl! They're bound to think its some sort of mock frog! Mr. Wizzo: Mock frog? We don't use any artificial flavourings or additives of any kind! Policeman: Neverless, I advise you in future to replace the label 'Crunchy Frog' with the legend 'Crunchy Raw Unboned Real Dead Frog' if you want to avoid prosecution! Mr. Wizzo: What about our sales? Policeman: I'm not interested in your sales, I have to protect the general public! Now 'ow about this one.. Ram's Bladder Cup. It was Ram's Bladder Cup, wasn't it Superintendent? Superintendant: yes.. Excuse me... (Rushes to washroom again) Policeman: What kind of confection is this? Mr. Wizzo: Ah, we use only the finest chunks of fresh, Cornish Ram's Bladder, emptied, steamed, whipped into a fondue, sprinkled with sesame seeds and garnished with lark's vomit. Policeman: Lark's vomit? Mr. Wizzo: Correct. Policeman: It don't say nothing about lark's vomit on the box! Mr. Wizzo: It says it on the bottom of the box, after monosodium glutamate. Policeman: Well I 'ardly think this is good enough! I think it would be more appropriate if the box bore a large rrrred label: Warning! Lark's Vomit! Mr. Wizzo: But sales would plummet! Policeman: Well why don't you move into more conventional areas of confectionery, like prrraline and lime cream, a very popular flavor I'm led to understand.. Or strawberry delight! I mean, look at this one! Cockroach Cluster... Anthrax Ripple... What's this one? Spring Surprise.. Mr. Wizzo: That's our speciality. Covered in dark, smooth chocolate, when you pop it into your mouth steel bolts spring out and plunge straight through both cheeks. Policeman: Well where's the pleasure in that! If people place a nice choccy in their mouths, they don't want their cheeks pierced! In any case, this is an inadequate description of the sweetmeat! I shall 'ave to ask you accompany me to the station! Mr. Wizzo: (Shrugging) It's a fair cop. Superintendant: (emerging from washroom) If members of the public would only take more care when buying sweeties, they could reduce the number of manhours lost to the nation, and spend less time having their stomachs pumped, and sitting around in public.. (sound of toilet flushing) Scene: In a crowded London pub, sounds of highly zonked pub-goers yelling Annoying Man: (Eric Idle) Know what I mean, say no more, nudge nudge, does she go? Man: (Terry Jones) What? Annoying Man: Your wife, does she go, eh? Man: Well, she sometimes goes... Annoying Man: I bet she does, I bet she does..Nudge nudge, eh? Say no more! Man: I don't think I follow you... Annoying Man: Follow me! Follow me! That's good, that's good, nod's as good as a wink to a blind bat, eh? Man: Are you selling something? Annoying Man: Selling! Selling! Very good, very good indeed. Say no more! Man: I'm sorry? Annoying Man: Wicked! Wicked! You're wicked, eh? Nudge nudge? Say no more! Your wife like sport? Man: Well, she's fond of cricket.. Annoying Man: Who isn't? who isn't? Likes games, knew she would, knew she would.. She's been 'round a bit, eh? Been around! Man: Yes, she's travelled, she's from Perley.. Annoying Man: Say no more! Say no more! Perley! Say no more! Man: What? Annoying Man: Orkstroof! Eh, your wife interested in photography, eh? Photographs, eh? Man: Photography? Annoying Man: Snap, snap, grin, grin, wink, wink, say no more! Man: Holiday snaps? Annoying Man: Could be, could be, taken on holiday, swimming costumes, candid, candid photography? Man: No, we don't have a camera. Annoying Man: Oh. Still, eh? Eh? Eh! Man: Look, are you insinuating something? Annoying Man: Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. Yes. Man: Well? Annoying Man: Well, I mean, you're a man of the world, you've been there, been around... Man: What do you mean...? Annoying Man: Well, you, know, you've like, you've done it, you've slept.. you've... slept with a lady? Man: (sternly) Yes? Annoying Man: What's it like? (Theme music) Host (Michael Palin): Hello, and welcome to another edition of Interesting People. (Canned applause) Our first guest on Interesting People tonight is from Egypt, he's just arrived, his name is Alli Byan, he's with us tonight, and he's stark raving mad! (Rooster sound) Mr. Alli Byan! Stark. Raving. Mad. (Canned applause) Now here's an interesting person. Apart from being a full-time stapling machine, he can also give a cat influenza. Person (John Cleese): Alright puss? Right! Cough, Cough! Cough! Hack ! Hack! (Wheeze) (slight pause) Cat: (cat): Meaow. Meaow.. Meehee hack! me he heow! (canned applause) Host: Well you can't get much more interesting than that! Or can you? With me here tonight is Ken Dull, the most interesting man in Dorking. Mr. Dull, I understand that you're very interested in shouting. Mr. Dull: (John Cleese) (shouting) Yes! That's right! I'm very interested in shouting all right! I think shouting is wonderful! Host: And what does your wife think? Wife (who knows) (Shouting) I agree with him! Mr. Dull: Shut up! (canned applause) Host: Very good! And now for music, with the Rachel Toobee Bicycle Choir, with their fantastic arrangement of 'Men of Harlingford', bicycle bells only! Choir: Leave, my friend, no ill betide thee, All... Through... The Night... (ring! ring! ring! jingle! clang! ring!) Host: Grrrrreat! And now here's a man with a very interesting cat. This is Tiddles, isn't it? Man With Cat: (Graham Chapman) That is correct, this *is* Tiddles. Tiddles (cat) Meaow? Host: And what does she do? Man: She flies across the studio and lands in bucket of water. Host: By herself? Man: Ah, no, I fling her. Host: I see. How interesting. Cat: Meow. Meow. (faster) Meowmeowmeowmeowmeowmeow Meeoooooooooow! (Splash!) (canned applause) Host: And now here's a man who claims to be able to send bricks to sleep, by hypnosis! Mr. Keith Maniac, from Guatamala! (canned applause) Host: Keith, you claim to be able to send bricks to sleep. Keith: (Terry Jones) That's right, yes.. Host: Entirely by hypnosis. Keith: Yes, I use no artificial methods.. Host: Well we have a brick here in the studio, Keith, could you put it to sleep for us? Keith: (stifling a giggle) Well.. that's asleep already. Host: How do you know? Keith: Well, it's not moving, is it? It's completely still! Host: I see, have we got a moving brick please? Stage Hand (John Cleese) Yes, there's one over here! Host: Right! And fling it across! (clunk) Keith: There we are, fast asleep. (canned applause) Host: Very good, very good indeed! Mr. Keith Maniac, from Guatamala! (more canned applause, cut off suddenly) Host: And do remember, if you're interesting and want to appear on the program, send your name and address, and your telephone number, to this address: The BBC, care of E.F. Lutt 18 Rupee Buildings, West 12th. And that's all for Interesting people this week, next week we'll be back with a bumper edition featuring a man who can swallow furniture, a maggot who is also a first-class shot, and a polititian in a glass of water. Join us then! (canned applause and theme music) Scene: Inside a Barber Shop Man: (Terry Jones): Good Afternoon, is this the Barber Shop sketch? Barber: (Michael Palin): Yes, sir. Be..be..be with you in a moment. (The Barber is now washing and rewashing his hands, trying to remove the obvious bloodstains off his coat) Barber: How..How would you like it sir? Man: Short back and sides, please. Barber: How do you do that? Man: Well, just ordinary short back and sides, you know? Barber: It's not a.. razor cut? Razor! Razor! Cut! Artery! Blood! Spurt! Murder!! Ghastly... (shuddering) Man: No, no, just an ordinary hair cut... Barber: It's just.. sci.sci..scissors scissors Man: Yes, just an ordinary hair cut! Barber: You wouldn't prefer to have it just combed? Man: What? Barber: You wouldn't prefer to forget all about it? Man: No, no, I want something cut off! Barber: Cut! Cut! Blood! Psycho! Homicide! Sever! Court-Case! (calms down).Hmmm. (plays tape recording of cutting for awhile) Barber: There. Finished! Man: What? Barber: Finished, cutting.. cutting.. Cutting your hair! It's all done. Man: But you haven't done any cutting yet! Barber: All right! I confess I haven't cut your hair.. I .. hate cutting hair. I can't do it anymore. I have this terrible uncontrollable fear whenever I see hair, I just can't bear cutting it. (sniff) My mother said I was a fool! She said the only cure would be to become a barber. So I spent five ghastly years at the hairdresser's college at Top Ness! Can you imagine what it's like? Working for five years on the SAME HEAD?? I didn't want to be a barber. I wanted to be.. a lumberjack! (music rising) Leaping from tree to tree! As they float down the mighty rivers of British Columbia! The fir! The larch! The mighty Scots pine! The smell of fresh cut timber! With me best girl by me side! We'd sing! sing! sing!. (music) Barber: I'm a lumberjack and I'm O.K. I sleep all night and I work all day Chorus: He's a lumberjack and he's O.K. He sleeps all night and he works all day Barber: I cut down trees, I eat my lunch I go to the lavatory! On Wednesdays I go shopping And have buttered scones for tea! Chorus: He cuts down trees, he eats his lunch, he goes to the lavatory On Wednesdays he goes shopping, and has buttered scones for tea He's a Lumberjack and he's O.K. He sleeps all night and he works all day! Barber: I cut down trees, I skip and jump I like to press wild flowers I put on women's clothing And hang around in bars! Chorus: He cuts down trees, he skips and jumps, he likes to press wild flowers He puts on women's clothing, and hangs around in bars. (WHAT?!) He's a Lumberjack and he's O.K. He sleeps all night and he works all day! Barber: I cut down trees, I wear high heels, Suspenders and a bra! I wish I'd been a girlie, just like my deear Mama! Chorus: He cuts down trees, he wears.. (chorus disperses into loud shouting. the Barber continues until he reaches..) Barber: I wish I'd been a girlie, just like my deeeeeeeeeear Mama!! (sound of girl crying) Girl (Carol Cleveland): Oh Basil (or something)! I thought you were so... Rugged!!! (breaks down in tears) Indignant Woman (John Cleese): Dear Sir, I wish to complain on the strongest possible terms about the song which you have just broadcast about the lumberjack who wears women's clothes. Many of my best friends are lumberjacks and only a few of them are transvestites. Yours sincerely, the Brigadier Sir Charles Arthur Strong, Mrs. PS I have never kissed the editor of the Radio Times. Indignant Man (Terry Jones): Why can't we have more art critics? Helpful Fairy (Carol Cleveland): And so you shall! (Ding!) Old Woman (Graham Chapman): OO look an art critic! Oo! Shh! Shh! Art Critic (Michael Palin): I'd like to talk to you tonight about the place of the nude in my bed. In..in the history of my bed. Art! Art! In the history of art. The nude in the history of tart. Call girl! I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'll start again. (clears throat). Bum! Oh what a giveaway! The nude, in the history of bum. (ding aling ding, aling! Sound of croud cheering) Announcer (Eric Idle): And welcome once again to It's the Arts, and we kick off this evening with the cinema... Interviewer (John Cleese): Good evening. One of the most prolific film directors of this age or indeed of any age is Sir Edward Ross. Back in his native country for the first time in five years to kick off a season of his works here at the National film theatre, and we are indeed fortunate to have him in the studio here tonight. Ross: Good evening. Interviewer: Edward, when you first started... Oh, I hope you don't mind if I call you Edward. Ross: Not at all. Interviewer: Because it does worry some people. So I take the precaution of asking on these occasions. Ross: No that's fine. Interviewer: So Edward it is, then. Ross: Yes. Interviewer: Well thank you very much, you know, it's all my job's worth to.. Ross: Yes, Quite.. Interviewer: Makes it difficult to establish a repore, or put the other person at his ease. Silly little point, but it does seem to matter. Anyway, the less said the better. Now where were we, ah yes, Ted, when you first started.. Oh I hope you don't mind if I call you Ted.. I mean as opposed to Edward. Ross: No, everyone calls me Ted. Interviewer: Well it's shorter isn't it? And, ah, much less formal! Ross: Yes, Ted, Edward or anything! Interviewer: Excellent, incidentally, do call me Tom, I don't want you bothering with any of this Thomas nonsense! Ha ha ha.. Ehhh.. Eddie baby, when you first started.. Ross: I'm sorry, I'm sorry, but I don't like being called Eddie baby. Interviewer: What? Ross: I don't like being called Eddie Baby. Interviewer: Did I call you Eddie baby? Ross: Yes you did now if you could get on with the interview... Interviewer: I don't think I did call you Eddie baby Ross: You did! Interviewer (to stage crew): Did I call him Eddie baby? Crew: Yes, yes Interviewer: I didn't really call you Eddie baby, did I sweetie? Ross: Don't call me sweetie! Interviewer: Can I call you sugarplum? Ross: No! Interviewer: Pussycat? Ross: No! Interviewer: Angel Drawers? Ross: No you may not! Get on with it! Interviewer: Can I call you Frank? Ross: Why Frank? Interviewer: It's a nice name. Robin Day's got a hedgehog called Frank. Ross: What is going on?! Interviewer: Now Frank. Fran. Fran, a little Frannie-poo.. Ross: No, I'm leaving. Interviewer: What? Ross (leaving): I've never been so insulted in all my life, I'm off! Interviewer (calling out): Tell us about your latest film, Sir Edward! Ross: What? Interviewer: Tell us about your latest film, if you'd be so very kind. Ross (returning hesitantly): None of this pussycat nonsense? Interviewer: Promise. (pats chair) Please sir. Ross: My latest film? Interviewer: Yes sir! Ross: Well, the idea for my latest film, fondly enough, is based on an idea I had when I first joined the industry in 1919. Of course, in those days I was only a tea-boy, and.. Interviewer: Oh, shut up! <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Wow, now that only took me two solid hours, what an enourmously productive way to waste a day! Actually I'm quite surprised I could remember all that. But Side Two is likely to be a lot more sketchy. Interviewer: (Eric Idle) Good Evening. I have in the studio tonight one of the nations leading modern composers. Arthur "Two-Sheds" Jackson. Mr. Jackson, Arthur (Terry Jones): Hello. Int.: If I might just sidetrack for a moment on this curious, what shall we call it, nickname of yours. Arthur: Oh yes.. Int.: "Two-Sheds" How did you come about it? Arthur: Well, I don't use it myself, but some of my friends call me Two-Sheds. Int: And do you, in fact, have two sheds? Arthur: No, I've only got one, I've had one for quite some time now, and a few years ago I said I was thinking of getting another, and since then some people have started calling me Two-Sheds. Int: In spite of the fact that you have only one? Arthur: Yes. Int: And are you still intending to purchase this second shed? Arthur: No... Int: To bring you in line with your epithet? Arthur: No. Int: I see, I see, well to return to your symphony. Arthur: Ah yes.. Int: Did you write this symphony in the shed? Arthur: No! Int: Have you written any of your recent works in this shed of yours? Arthur: No, no its just an ordinary garden shed. Int: Oh I see I see, and you're thinking of buying this second shed to write in? Arthur: No, forget about the sheds, the sheds aren't important, a few friends call me Two-Sheds and that's all there is to it. I wish you'd ask me about the music. Everybody talks about the sheds, they've got it out of proportion, I'm a composer! I'm going to get rid of the shed, I'm fed up with it! Int: Then you'd be Arthur "No-Sheds" Jackson, eh? Arthur: Look forget about the sheds, they don't matter! Int: I think with respect we ought to return to the subject of your symphony! Arthur: AAugh! Int: I understand that you used to be interested in train spotting. Arthur: What? Int: I understand that, about thirty years ago, you used to be interested in train spotting. Arthur: What's that got to do with my bloody music?! Other Interviewer (John Cleese): Are you having any trouble with him? Int: Yes, a little. Good lord, you're the man who interviewed Sir Edward Ross, on the other side! Other Int: Yes, well we interviewers are more than a match for the likes of you, Two-Sheds! Arthur: What? Int: Yes, make yourself scarce, Two-Sheds, this studio isn't big enough for the three of us! Arthur: Look, what are you doing! Stop it.. <> Int: Arthur "Two-Sheds" Jackson. Never mind, Timmy. Other Int: Oh, Michael, you're such a comfort. (Children's show theme music) Reader (Eric Idle): Hello, children. Hello. Here is this morning's story. Are you ready? Then we'll begin. (reading) One day Ricky the magic pixie went to visit his friend Daisy Bumble in her tumble-down cottage. He found her in the bedroom. Roughly he grabbed her heaving shoulders, pulling her down onto the bed hurriedly and ripping off her thin... (confused, flips pages a bit) Old Nick, the sea captain, was a rough, tough, jolly sort of fellow. He loved the life of the sea, and he loved to hang out down by the pier where the men dressed as ladies... (flips more pages) {someone} ran the Dinky Tinky Shop, under the something tree, by the Wobbly Dum-Dum Tree, in the shade of the Magic Glade, down in Dingly Dell. Here he sold contraceptives, and... (flips pages) Mary Stoakes was...? With a Melon?!??!? (Frantically) That's all for today, children! (on TV, the picture fades to the introductory screen with happy rabbits bouncing around to sickly sweet music, who are then crushed to death by equally happy bouncing hippos. On the record, however, the theme music is speeded up and slowed down, until Graham Chapman says "Stop Messing about with the speeds!) Scene: candle-lit living room, with elegant dinner half-eaten and two starry- eyed people staring at each other placidly. Elevator music in background. Victor (Graham Chapman): Do you mind terribly if I.. hold your hand? Iris (Carol Cleveland): Oh, not at all! Victor: Oh, Iris, you are so very beautiful! Iris: Oh, do you really mean that? Victor: Oh I do I do.. I think.. I think..I'm falling in love with you. Iris: Oh Victor! Victor: It's silly, isn't it? Iris: No.. No not at all dear sweet Victor! Victor: No, no.. not that.. I mean, us being so close together in the soft toy department all those months, and never daring... Iris: Oh Victor! Victor: Oh, Iris! (doorbell rings) Victor: Who could that be? Iris: Try to get rid of them! Victor: Oh, I'll get rid of them... (answers door) Arthur (Eric Idle): Hello! Victor: Hello?! Arthur: Remember me? Victor: Well, no.. Arthur: In the pub about three years ago? I was the tall thin one, with the mustache? Victor: Oh.. Arthur: And you said we must have a drink together some time, so I thought I'd take you up on it tonight as the Film Society meeting was cancelled this evening. Victor: Well, it is a little bit awkward, tonight.. Arthur: Hello, I'm Arthur! Iris: Oh...hello.. Arthur: Arthur Name, Name by Name but not by nature, always say that, don't I Vic? Victor: yes, well, look.. Arthur: Is this your wife? Victor: Uh, no.. Arthur: Oh I see, I get the picture! Well, don't mind me Vicky boy, I know all about one-night stands! Victor: I beg your pardon? Arthur: Do you mind if I take that record off? Victor: W..We put that one on! Arthur: (rips record off) Here's a good one. What's brown, and sounds like a bell? Victor: I beg your pardon? Arthur: What's brown, and sounds like a bell. Dung! That's a good one, eh? Look I'll just wait here till you're finished, don't mind me.. Victor: Now wait a min.. (doorbell rings) Victor: Now who's that? Arthur: Oh, that'll be my friends, I took the liberty of inviting them along Victor: Look, we were trying to have an evening on our own!! Arthur: Oh, they won't mind, they're very broad-minded. (opens door) Equatol: (John Cleese) Good evening, my name is Equatol, like round the middle of the Earth, only with an L. This is my wife Audrey, she smells a bit but she has a heart of gold! Audrey (Terry Jones): Ah hahah! Victor: Now look.. Equatol: Who's that then? Victor: What? Equatol: Who's the bird? Victor: (sarcastically) I'm _very_ sorry... Equatol: You've got a nice pair there, love (feels Iris) Iris: Auuugh! Equatol: Ah shut up ya bitch its only a bit of fun. A big gin, please! Arthur: I'll get it! Victor: Look, don't touch those drinks! Audrey: And can I have three tins of beans, please! Equatol: I told you to lay off the beans, you whore! Audrey: I've only three tins! Equatol: Button yer lip ya ratbag! Audrey: Ah haa!! Equatol: Yes, it was rather witty wasn't it? Now where's my gin? (doorbell rings) Victor: Who the hell's that!! Equatol: That'll be my friend. I took the liberty of inviting him along, as his wife's just passed away and he's somewhat distraught, poor chap.. Arthur (opening door): Hello! Friend in Drag (unknown): Oh hello tiger.. auh! What a simply *ghastly* place! Equatol: Yes, its not too good is it? A pint of creme-de-mon for my pouffy friend. I'll sit 'ere. {scratchy noises} Bit lumpy. Oh, no wonder I was sittin' on the cat! Iris: Oh! Auugh! You killed it! Friend in Drag: I've asked along a simply gorgeous little man I picked up outside the Odium... Equatol: Is he sexy? Old Man (arriving at door)-(Michael Palin): UUrgh! I'm sorry I had to bring the goat, only he's not at all well! I only hope he don't go on the carpet! Equatol (to Iris): Come on, love, drop 'em! Iris: AAuugh!! (runs away screaming) Equatol: Blimey, she don't go much, do she? Audrey: Ahh! hahah! aaahh OOps! I wet 'em (sppploooch!) Old Man: Augh! The Goat's gone poos! (crowd starts flooding in the door) Victor (enraged): Look! Get out of here, all of you get out! (sudden silence) Victor: I'm not having a crowd of filthy perverts in my flat I'm giving you half a minute and then I'm calling the police! Equatol: I don't like the sound of your voice. (pulls out gun) Victor: Auugh! (dies) Equatol: Right lads, let's have Jerusalem! Crowd: And did those feet, in ancient times, walk apon England's mountains green... Announcer: (Eric Idle) There will now be a short intermission. Our sales staff will visit all parts of the cinema. Salesman (John Cleese): Albatross! Albatross! Man (Terry Jones): Two choc-ices [ie chocolate ice cream cones] please! Salesman: I haven't got any choc-ices! I've just got this Albatross! Man: What flavour is it? Salesman: Well its a bird, mate, it's not any bloody flavour! Man: It's got to have a flavour, everything's got a flavor... Salesman: Well it's a bleeding albatross, innit! Its bleedin seabird flavour! Man: Do you get wafers with it? Salesman: 'Course you don't get bloody wafers! Man: Well how much is it? Salesman: Ninepence! Man: I'll have two please. Salesman: Thank-you.. Salty Something on-a-stick! Gammit(or something) ripple... (theme music) Man (Michael Palin): The Mouse Problem. Tonight on the World Around Us we look at the growing social phenomenon of mice and men. What it that makes a man want to be a mouse? Hidden Figure (John Cleese): Well, its not so much a question of wanting to be a mouse, it just sort of happens to you. All of a sudden you realize, well that's what you want to be! Man: When did you first notice these, shall we say, tendencies? Figure: Well, I was about nineteen, and some mates and me, we went to a party, and, you know, we had a lot to drink, and then some of the fellows started... handin' cheese around... and just out of curiosity I tried a bit. And that was that. Man: And what else did these fellows do? Figure: Well, some of them started dressing up as mice a bit, and then when they got the mouse costumes on, they started..squeaking. Man: And was that all? Figure: Yes. Man: And what was your reaction? Figure: Well, I was shocked. But gradually, I began to realize... that I was more at ease when I was with other mice. Man: A typical case, whom we shall refer to as Mr. A. Although his real name is George Jackson, 52a Harmondsworth, Middlsex, Telephone 683-23407 What is it that drives people like Mr. A. to this way of life? I have with me a consultant psychiatrist. Psychiatrist: We psychiatrists believe that 8 percent of the population will (Graham always be mice. I mean there's something of the mouse in all Chapman) of us. I mean, who can honestly say that at one time or another he hasn't felt sexually attracted to mice. I know I have! Most normal adolescents go through a phase of squeaking two or three times a day! On the other hand some youngsters are almost certainly attracted to it by its very illegality. The same with murder. Make it illegal, and it aquires a mystique. Look at arson. I mean, who can honestly say that at one time or another, he hasn't set fire to some great public building? I know I have! The only way, the only way to bring the crime rate down is to reduce the number of offenses! Get it out into the open! I know I have! Man-In-The-Street: (John Cleese) Well as a member of the stock exchange, I'd suck their brains out with a straw, sell the widows, and go into South American zinc. Other-Man-In-The-Street: (Michael Palin) I'd split their nostrils open with a boathook! Woman-In-The-Street: (John Cleese) Well David I'm a staunch! Other-Woman-In-The-Street: (Terry Jones) Yes, she's a staunch! Interviewer (Michael Palin): And what do you think? Woman-In-The-Street: I agree with her! Other-Woman-In-The-Street: Belch! Interviewer: And what did you say? Other-Woman-In-The-Street: Oh, I didn't say anything, it was just my tummy rumbling... Interviewer: But what do you think though? Other-Woman-In-The-Street: What, about Mice-Men? Well, I think they should be kicked in the upper lip with a steel-tipped toe cap, down we go! Yes, yes.. yes.. (organ sounds) Minister (Michael Palin): I now pronounce you man and wife. (footsteps) Man (Terry Jones): Hello, my wife and I would like to buy a bed please. Salesman (Graham Chapman): Certainly sir. I'll get someone to help you. Mr. Verity! Mr. Verity (Eric Idle): Can I help you? Man: Yes, we'd like a bed, a double bed, and we wonder if you've got one for about fifty pounds. Verity: Oh, no, our cheapest bed is eight-hundred pounds. Man and Wife (Carol Cleveland): Eight-hundred pounds?!? Salesman: Excuse me sir, before I go, I ought to have warned you, Mr. Verity does tend to exaggerate a bit. Every figure he gives you will be ten times too high. It's nothing he can help, you see, otherwise he's perfectly alright. Man: I see, your cheapest bed then is eighty pounds. Verity: Eight hundred pounds, that's right, sir. Man: And how wide is it? Verity: It's sixty feet wide. Wife: Sixty feet? Man (to wife): Six foot wide, you see. (to Verity) And the length? Verity: The length is.. Mr. Lambert, what is the length of the Comfy-Down Majorette? Lambert (Graham Chapman again): Two foot long. Man: Too foot long? Verity: yes, remembering of course that you have to multiply everything Mr. Lambert says by three, its nothing he can help you understand, otherwise he's perfectly alright Man: Oh I see... Verity: But it does mean that when he says a bed is two foot long, it is in fact sixty feet long. That's without the mattress of course. Man: And how much is that? Verity: Mr. Lambert will be able to help you with that.. Lambert! Lambert: Mmm? Verity: Could you show these twenty good people the dog kennels please? Man: Dog kennels? No, no mattreses... Verity: I'm sorry, you have to say dog kennels to Mr. Lambert because if you say mattress, he puts a bucket over his head. I should have explained, otherwise he's perfectly alright.. Man: Oh I see. Ah we'd like to see the dog kennels please. Lambert: Dog kennels? Man: Yes we'd like to look at the dog kennels. Lambert: Yes well that's the pets department, second floor. Man: no,no,no the DOG KENNELS.. Lambert: Yes, second floor.. Man: No, look, we don't want to look at the dog kennels, its just that Mr. Verity said... Lambert: Oh dear, what's he been telling you now? Man: well he said we should say dog kennels instead of saying mattresses! (clunk) Man: ah hello!? Hello? Verity: Did you say mattress? Man: well, ah.. Lambert: I'm not coming out! Verity: I did ask you not to say mattress! Lambert: I'm not! Verity: Now I've got to get him to the fish tank and sing. Man: Oh. Verity: And did those feet, in ancient times Other Salesman (Michael Palin) Did someone say mattress to Mr. Lambert? Crowd: Walk upon England's mountains green. And was the holy lamb of.. (clunk) Verity: He should be alright now, but don't, you know, don't. Man: yes,yes,yes. Lambert: can I help you, sir? Man: Yes, we'd like to look at the dog kennels, please Lambert: Yes, second floor... Man: No.. THOSE dog kennels.. like that, you see? Lambert: Mattresses? Man: Yes! Lambert: Well if you want a mattress why not say mattress? I mean its a little confusing for me if when you say 'dog kennels' its a mattress you want, just say mattress! Man: Well you put a bucket over your head last time we said mattress! (clunk) Verity: Oh, dear. And did those feet... Someone: Hey, did someone say mattress to Mr. Lambert? Verity: Twice! Someone: Hey everybody, someone said mattress to Mr. Lambert twice! Crowd joins in chorus with church organ: Walk upon England's mountain's green? And was the holy lamb of God In England's pleasant pastures seen? Etc.... (clunk) Lambert: I'm sorry, can I help you? Wife: We want a mattress! (clunk) ... Scene: Pleasant English country bed-and-breakfast home. (ring!) (doorbell) Man and Wife (Eric Idle and ???) at door: Hello! Woman (Terry Jones): Oh! Hello Mr. and Mrs. Johnson! Come on in, excuse me for not shaking hands, I've just been putting a bit of lard on the cat's boil. Man: Very nice.. Woman: Oh, you must be tired, its a long drive from Coventry isn't it? Man: Well we usually reckon on five and a half hours but it took us six hours and fifty-three minutes with a fifteen minute stop at Hampton to stretch our legs, and we had to wait half an hour on the A37, we usually come on the B3339 you see, just before Bridgewater, but we decided to risk it because they're always saying they're going to widen it there... Woman: Really? Man: Yes, just before where the A37 joins, I mean there's plenty of room to widen it there, there's only grass verges, they can get another six feet, knock down that hospital. Then we took the A336 through Willington and got all the Taunton traffic from Croydon and Stockenburg! Woman: Well, you must be dying for a cup of tea. Man: Well, wouldn't say no, not if it's warm and wet. Woman: Come on in the lounge, I'm just going to serve afternoon tea. Man: Very nice. Woman: Come on in, Mr. and Mrs. Johnson, and meet Mr. and Mrs. Phillips Mr. Phillips (?) Good afternoon Mrs. Phillips (?) Good afternoon Woman: It's their third time here! We can't keep you away, can we? Heh heh.. and over there is Mr. Hilter. Hitler (John Cleese): Ah! Good time! Ah good afternoon! Woman: heh heh, planning a little excursion are we Mr. Hilter? Hitler: Ah yes, we make a little, vatsav aust hiven messen? Ribbentrop: Hiking Hitler: Ah yes, we make a little hike for Mitteford Man: Oh, well you'll want the A39, oh no you've got the wrong map there! This is Stalingrad! You want the Olfricad and Bonstable section Hitler: Hier, Reginald, you have the wrong map here you silly old legbefore vicked English person! Ribbentrop: Sorry, mine Fuhrer, (eh) mine dickey old chum. Woman: Oo,lucky Mr. Johnson sorted that out! You wouldn't have had much fun in Stalingrad would you? (louder) I said you wouldn't have had much fun in Stalingrad would you? Hitler: Not much fun in Stalingrad, no. Woman: Oh,I'm sorry, I didn't introduce you. This is Ron. Ron Vibbentrop? Man: Oh? Not Von Ribbentrop, eh? Von Ribbentrop: (?) No, no, different other chap, I am of Sommerset am being born, Von Ribbentrop is born Dusceltop Forty-Six West Eight! So they say! Woman: And this is the quiet one, Heinrich Bimmler Himmler (Michael Palin): Ah, pleased to meet you squire! I also am not of Minehead being born, but I was Peterborough Linconshire was given birth to. But I am staying in Peterborough Linconshire all time during war, due to jolly old running sore, and boss unable to go to football matches or go into streets, or go to Nuremburg. I am retired wwwwwwwwwindow cleaner. And pacifist. Without doing war crimes. Tsk, tsk,tsk. And I am glad England win world cup, Bobby Charlton, Martin Peters, and eating I am lots of chips and fish, and hurling the toads, and Dundee cakes on Picadilly line, don't you know old chap, what! And I was head of Gestapo for four years. Others: Urrrgh! Himmler: No,no,no five years, no no no, nine! No, I was *not* head of Gestapo, I was not, I make joke... Woman: Oh, Mr. Bimmler, you do have us on. (phone rings) Woman: Oh excuse me, I'd better get that... Man: How long are you down here for, Mr. Hilter, just the fortnight? Hitler: Get up there you spy! Get over against the wall Britisher pig you're going to die! Ribbentrop: He's a bit on edge, Mr. Johnson, he hasn't slept since 1945.. Hitler: Shut your cakehole, you Nazi! Himmler: Cool it, Fuhrer cat! Ribbentrop: Ah ha ha! The fun we have! Man: Haven't I seen him on the television? All: Nicht! Ah, nien! Uh, No! No! Man: Simon Dee's show,or was it.. All: No, no,no! Woman: Telephone for you Mr. Hilter! Its Mr. MacGoering from the Belland Compasses. He says he's found a place where you can hire bombers by the hour... Hitler: If he opens his big mouth again its Leiptzingrad! Himmler: Shut up! Ha ha, hire bomber, he is a joker that Scottish person, good old Norman! Woman: He's on the phone the whole time now.. Man: In business is he? Himmler: Soon, baby! Woman: Well its his big day Thursday. They've been planning it for months! Man: What happens Thursday then? Woman: Its the North Minehead Byelection. Mr. Hilter's standing as National Boscialist! 'es got wonderful plans for Minehead! Man: Like what? Woman: Well for a start he wants to annex Poland... Man: North Minehead's conservative isn't it? Woman: yes, well he gets a lot of people at his rallies... Scene: Out in empty park, with podium and loudspeaker (crowd sound, found emanating from a small wind up record player) Crowd: Heil Hitler! Heil Hitler! Hitler: I am not a Boscialist! But, and this is a Big But, the National Boscialist party says that the uben gon maschen gessenstoppen mein! Hisctorisce, Taunton est pulgamounie, en Minehead! Himmler: Mr. Hitler (slaps forehead) Hilter! says that historically Taunton is part of Minehead already! Hitler: Houmg, en Minehead, est gast dest Eingleish, taunt en gaust imheischen!!!!!!! Crowd: Heil Hitler! Heil Hitler! Man-In-The-Street: Well I don't like the sound of these 'ere boncentration bamps! Woman-In-The-Street: Well I gave him my baby to kiss, and he bit it in the head! Another-Man(John Cleese): Well I think he'd do a lot of good for the Stock Exchange.. Another-Man(Michael Palin): I think 'ees got beautiful legs! Yet-Another-Man-In-The-Street (Graham Chapman): Well, as a Conservative Candidate, I just drone on and on and on and on and on without ever letting anyone else get a word in edgewise, until I start a frothing at the mouth and fall over backwards! Waauugh!! (Ambulance sounds, which continue for awhile) Doctor (Eric Idle): Mr. Burdenshaw? Man (Terry Jones): Me, Doctor. Doctor: No, me doctor, you Mr. Burdenshaw. Nurse (Carol Cleveland): Come this way, please. Man: Me, sister? Doctor: No, she sister, Me doctor, You Mr. Burdenshaw Man: But my wife, nurse! Doctor: No, your wife patient. Me patient, you nurse, your wife. Man: No, Doctor! Doctor: No Doctor, call ambulance, keep warm. Nurse: Drink, Doctor? Doctor: Drink Doctor, cook sister, eat Mr. Burdenshaw, nurse me. Man: Ah, Doctor Walters..? Doctor: Me nurse. You Mr. Burdenshaw, she sister, you Doctor! Man: But my wife, Doctor Doctor: Your wife not Doctor, your wife patient. Me sister, you Doctor she Mr. Burdenshaw, you Tarzan, me Jane, you Drake, me Trillo, you Trillo,... me Doctor! Man: (Graham Chapman) Stop it! Stop it! What a silly way to carry on. What do you want? Other Man (John Cleese): I wish to register a complaint Man: Well this is a hospital. You want the pet shop sketch on the next track. Scene: Inside a Pet Shop (dingaling!) Man (John Cleese): I wish to register a complaint. Hello, Miss..? Owner (Michael Palin): What do you mean, Miss? Man: I'm sorry, I have a cold. Owner: Well what do you want? Man: I wish to register a complaint. Owner: We're just closing for lunch.. Man: Never mind that,my lad, I wish to complain about this parrot what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique! Owner: Oh yes, the Norwegian Blue, what's wrong with it? Man: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, it's dead, that's what's wrong with it Owner: No, 'es not dead, 'es resting. Man: Now look, ah, I know a dead parrot when I see one and I am looking at one right now. Owner: No, 'es not dead, 'es resting! Man: Resting? Owner: Yeah, exceptional bird the Norwegian Blue, beautiful plumage.. Man: The plumage don't enter into it, it's still dead! Owner: No! it's resting! Man: All right then, if its resting, I'll wake it up. (Yells) Wake up Polly! (thump) Wake up Polly Parrot! I've got a nice cuttlefish if you wake up Polly! Owner: There! It moved! Man: No it didn't that was you pushing the cage! Owner: I didn't! Man: Yes you did, Polly! Polly! (thump) Polly!Polly!Polly! (thump thump) Wake up Polly! (thump) Now that's what I call a dead parrot. Owner: Well it's stunned! Man: What? Owner: You stunned it just as it were waking up! Norwegian Blues stun easily... Man: Look I've had enough of this. The parrot is definitely deceased. When I bought it not half an hour ago you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to its being tired and shagged out after a long squawk! Owner: Well, it may be pining for the fiords... Man: Pinin' for the fiords! What kind of talk is that! Look! Why did it fall flat on its back the moment I got it home? Owner: The Norwegian Blue prefers keeping on its back, beautiful plumage, it's pining, you know? Man: It's not pinin', it's passed on. This parrot is no more, it has ceased to be, it has expired. This parrot has gone to meet its maker. Its a stiff, berift of life it rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed it to the perch it would be pushing up the daisies! It's run down the curtain and joined the choir Invisibule! It is an ex-parrot! Owner: Well, I'd better replace it then. Man: If you want to get anything done in this country, you've got to complain 'till you're blue in the mouth.. Owner: Uh, I just looked, we don't have any more parrots... Man: I see, I get the picture. Owner: Well, I've got a slug. Man: Does it talk? Owner: Well, not really. Man: Then its scarcely a replacement then! Owner: Look, if you go to my brother's pet shop in Boulton, he'll replace the parrot for you. Man: Boulton, eh? Very well.. (car, subway sounds) (dingaling.. the brother is also Michael Palin) Man: This is Boulton, is it? Owner: Nah, it's Ipswitch. Man: That's Inter-City Rail for you. (car sounds) Man: I wish to complain, British Railways person! Complaint Guy (Terry Jones): I don't 'ave to do this job you know! Man: I beg your pardon? Complaint Guy: I'm a fully qualified brain surgeon! I only do this job because I like being me own boss. Man: Excuse me,this isn't relevant, is it? Complaint Guy: Yeah well its not easy to pad these records out to thirty minutes you know! Man: Well I want to complain, I got off the Boulton train and found myself deposited 'ere in Ipswitch! Complaint Guy: No, this is Boulton. Man: The Pet Shop man's brother was lying! Complaint Guy: Well you can't blame British Rail for that! Man: If this is Boulton, I shall return to the Pet Shop! (car sounds again) (dingaling!) Man: I understand this is Boulton. Owner: Yeah? Man: You told me it was Ipswitch. Owner: It was a pun! Man: A pun? Owner: Nah, nah, not a pun, what's that thing that spells the same backwards and forwards? Man: A palindrome? Owner: Yeah! Man: It's not a palindrome,the palindrome of Boulton would be Notluob! It don't work! Owner: Well what do you want? Man: I'm not inclined to pursue my line of inquiry at the moment as I think this is getting too silly. Other Man (Graham Chapman): Quite agree, quite agree, too silly, too silly! Get some disipline into those chaps, Sargeant- Major! Sargeant-Major (John Cleese): Right Sir!! Major: Good evening class! Class (mumbling): Good evening. Major: Where's all the others then? Class (mumbling): They're not here Major: I can see that!! What's the matter with them? Class: Dunno... Class Member #1 (Michael Palin): Perhaps they've got flu? Major: Huh! Flu, eh? They should eat more fresh fruit! Ha! Now, tonight I shall be continuing on from where we got to last week, when I was teaching you how to defend yourself against anyone who attacks you, armed with a piece of fresh fruit. (Class moans) Class Member#1: Aw, you promised you wouldn't do fruit this week! Major: Whaddaya mean? Member#1: We've done fruit for the last nine weeks! Major: What's wrong with fruit?! You think you know it all, eh? Member#1: Well, can't we do something else? Member#2 (Eric Idle): Like someone who attacks you with a pointed stick? Major: Pointed Stick! Oh! Oh! Oh! We want to learn 'ow to defend ourselves against pointed sticks do we? Get all 'igh and mighty eh? Fresh fruit not good enough for you eh? Well I'll tell you something my lad! When you're walking 'ome tonight and some great 'omicidal maniac comes after you with a bunch of blueberries don't come crying to me! Right! The passion fruit! When your assailant lunges at you with a passion fruit,... Class: We've done the passion fruit! Major: What? Member#1: We've *done* the passion fruit! We've done oranges, lemons, pomegranites, green gages, grapefruit,... Member#2: Whole and segments! Member#1: Plums, Passion fruit... Major: 'ow 'bout cherries? Class: We did them! Major: Red *and* black? Class: Yes! Major: Alright then! Bananas! (class moans) Major: We 'aven't done them, 'ave we? Right then, Mr. Apricot Member#3 (Graham Chapman): Harrison! Major: Sorry, Mr. 'arrison. Come at me with that banana. Catch! Now, the first thing to do when you're being attacked by a man with a banana, is to force him to drop the banana. Second, you eat the banana, thus disarming 'im! You 'ave now rendered 'im 'elpless! Member#1: Suppose 'es got a bunch? Major: Shut up! Member#2: Suppose 'es got a pointed stick? Major: Shut up! Now, come at me with that banana! Come on! Come on! Come at me! Come at me then! <> (Member#3: AAurgh!) Major: Now, I eat the banana! Class: But... he's dead, he's completely dead! Major: I have now eaten the banana! The deceased Mr. Apricot is now 'elpless! Member#1: But you shot him! You shot him dead! Major: Well 'e was attacking me with a banana! Member#1: But you told him to! Major: Look, I'm only doing me job! I've got to teach you how to defend yourselves against fresh fruit! Member#2: And pointed sticks! Major: Shut up! Member#1: But suppose I'm being attacked by a man with a banana and I haven't got a gun? Major: Run for it. Member#1: Well, you could stand and scream for help... Major: Yeah, you try that with a pineapple down your windpipe! Member#4 (Terry Jones): A pineapple? Major: Where??! Where??? Member#4: Nowhere, I just said a pineapple Major: Oh! Phew! Blimey, I thought my number was up on that one! Member#4: What, on the pineapple? Major: Where???! Where?!!? Member#4: No, I was just repeating it. Major: Oh! I see, right! That's bananas then. Now, the rasperry! (Pulls one out of his pocket) Ominous lookin' thing isn't it. Now you, Mr. Tin Peach! Member#4: Thompson! Major: Sorry, Mr. Thompson! Come at me with this raspberry! Member#4: No. Major: Why not? Member#4: You'll shoot me! Major: No I won't! Member#4: You will! You shot Mr. 'arrison! Major: That was self-defence! Come on, I promise I won't shoot you. Member#2: Promise you'll tell us about pointed sticks! Major: Shut up! Member#4: Throw the gun away! Major: I 'aven't got a gun. Member#4: You 'ave!! Major: No I 'aven't! Member#4: You shot Mr. 'arrison with it! Major: Oh. That gun. Member#4: Throw it away! Major (grumbling): All right. (clunk) Now come on! Come on you weed, come on you puny little man! You weed, do your worst! Come on... (sound of heavy object falling and loud screams) Major: If anyone ever attacks you with a raspberry, just pull the lever, and the sixteen-ton weight will fall on top of 'im. Member#1: Well, supposing there isn't a sixteen-ton weight? Major: Well that's planning, isn't it? Forethought! Member#1: Yes but how many sixteen-ton weights are there? Major: Look, Mr. Know-all, the sixteen-ton weight is just one way of dealing with a raspberry killer. There are millions of others! Member#1: Like what? Major: Shooting 'im? Member#1: But suppose I 'aven't got a gun or a sixteen-ton weight? Major: All right, smarty pants, you too! (Points to Member#2,Eric Idle) Come at me, both of you, with raspberries, a whole basket each! Here! Member#1: No guns? Major: No! Member#1: No sixteen-ton weight? Major: No! Member#2: No pointed sticks? Major: Shut up! Member#1: No rocks up in the ceiling? Major: No! Member#1: You won't.. kill us? Major: I won't. Member#1: Promise? Major: I promise I won't kill you. Now come on, don't rush me this time, stalk me! Do it properly! Stalk me! I'll turn me back, stalk up behind me, close in behind me, then, in with the red currants. Ok? Start moving! Now, the first thing to do when you're being stalked by an angry mob with red currants, is to release the tiger. (catch engaged, roaring sounds, human flesh being torn to bits by an angry tiger roaring over the wailing and screaming of the last of the class being eaten alive) Major: The great advantage of the tiger in unarmed combat is that he eats not only the fruit-laden foe, but also the red currants. Tigers, however, do not relish the peach. The peach assailant must be attacked with a crocodile. (pauses) Now, the rest of you, where are you, I know you're hiding out there somewhere with your damsens (?) and your prunes, well I'm ready for you. I've wired meself up to two hundred tons of jellyknife! So if any of you so much as makes a move we all go up together! Right??! Right! That's it! I warned you!!!! <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> P.S.>>> Look for the transcript to Monty Python's Previous Record (in its entirety) coming soon to a BBS near you, courtesy of that insane lunatic, the Jaguar! Man (John Cleese): If you intend by that utilization of an obscure colloquialism to imply that my sanity is not up to scratch, or indeed to deny the semi-existence of my little chum Eric the half-bee, then I shall have to ask you to listen to this! Take it away, Eric the Orchestra leader! (ah one, ah two, ah one,two,three,four!...) Half a bee Philosophically Must ipso facto Half not be. But half the bee Has got to be Vis a vie, its entity. Do you see? But can a bee Be said to be Or not to be An entire bee? When half the bee Is not a bee Due to some ancient injury? (Singing) A lah dee dee, One two three, Eric the Half A Bee A B C d E F G Eric the Half a Bee Is this a wretched demi-bee? Half-asleep upon my knee? Some freak, from a menagerie? No! It's Eric the Half a Bee! Fiddle dee dum, Fiddle dee dee, Eric the Half a Bee! Ho ho ho tee hee hee Eric the half a Bee! I love this hive employee Bisected accidentally One summer afternoon by me I love him carnally! (He loves him carnally!) Semi-carnally! The End. (Cyril Connelly? No, Semi-carnally! OH....) ---= The Jaguar! =---