Date: 5:07 pm Sun Nov 23, 1997 Number : 215 of 217 From: Zamfir Worshipper Base : --tab- alt.cabbage.die.die To : All Refer #: None Subj: BOWLING MEAT. Replies: None Stat: Sent Origin : 23 Nov 97 00:22:43 Wunderful World of Bowling Meet Review -- by me. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 9:10. Wake up at exact moment my stereo's timer goes off, which I have set to play Moist at volume 35. (15 is regular listening level..) Open my eyes and ears in time to realise that the quiet(er) part of the song is about to give way to really loud screaming lyrics in about 8 seconds. 9:10-9:10:07. Attempt to scramble out of bed and over to my stereo in time to turn the volume down/the stereo off. Fail miserably. 9:10-9:10:08. Have my eardrums rattled by the lead singer yelling "HAAAAAAAAATTTTEEEEE!" really loud. Now I'm really awake. 9:20. My other, lame alarm goes off. Ohwell. 9:20 - 11:00. Wait for one of my parents to get back home so they can drive me to the Quay/Seabus. Watch Saturday early morning television for the first time in half a decade (well, 'early' only in a truly relative sense.) See hilarious Ray Charles thing on Comedy Channel. "You see, me and the president go way back (quite old -- referring to Carter). Now, this isn't just because we happen to be neighbours down in Georgia.. you see, his family -owned- my grandfather. So, Jimmy, this one's for you.." Then see Weird Al's Rockin' Morning Show (well, the very end.) "Man, I wish my Morpho-Man could talk and interact with other people.." - kid holding a blue torso "Then what you need is... Morpho-Man's Head!" - announcer "Now your Morpho-Man can defeat the evil warriors of the army of Zenthrax and ride around in his Morpho-Car!" - announcer "Morpho-Man! Head, torso, arms, legs, hands, feet and rear end each sold seperately. Don't even ask about the car." WooOooOoO. And then he sand 'Yoda'. But I digress... 11:12. Get a ride to Seabus in time to catch 11:15 sailing. 11:25. After brief Skytrain ride, arrive outside Commodore bowling alley to find... Brooke! (Happyfish) reading a Terminal City. 11:35. After brief conversing about no one else being there and another vague attempt by me to finish Kerouac's _On the Road_, Jeff (Quip) and Brendan (Pedantik) show up. "Oh man, I didn't even see you guys..." - Brendan, after walking halfway into the Commodore Lanes 11:35-11:45. Wait outside Commodore Lanes. At some point in there... Matt (Sylphid) ... shows up. I leave an angry message on Rowan's answering machine after attempting to wake him up. "You goddamn hippy-asses junk-fiend.." 11:50. We make our way into the bowling establishment. We are the only ones there. They have antique video games: Mario Bros. (original, not super) and Donkey Kong (original.. Mario is called 'Jumpman' in the instructions.) "Man.. that is so scary... Donkey Kong is 2 years older than Evan." - Rowan. (Yeah, so he hasn't shown up yet.. and neither has Evan.. I never said this was chronological! Those numbers on the left are completely random!) 12:00. Bowling is started. Brooke stuns us all with a strike right off the bat! Yow -- bowling champion when she was seven! (well, maybe not champion.) 12:00 - 12:15. Bowling is continued, with Brendan and Jeff making foolish attempts to hit the pins, and myself Brooke and Matt pulling away. All that bowling at my birthday parties when I was 8 seems to have paid off.. 12:15. Rowan shows up. Rowan tries to rent shoes. Rowan has size 15 feet. There are no size 15 shoes. Rowan decides to play in his socks -- we add him to the game. "Enter Kang!" - I think it was Brendan, could have been Jeff. "Kang! Strike!" - Me. 12:15 - somethingorother. It's all hazy at this point, timewise, due to the sheer adrenalin rush that is EXTREEEEME BOWLING! (It's better than having sex in swimming pools while rollerblading under buses over ice-covered streets while bungee jumping and hacking mainframe and skydiving all at once!) No, wait, that's EXTREEEEME HACKERS BOWLING! ANyways... at some point, Evan (Geeeeeeek!) shows up, but does not join the first game. So does... Stuuuuuu! (No one in particular besides Pedantik's brother) the super-professional-in-a-league-bowling-guy. I can't get a certain line from a certain collaborative story out of my head.. "Stu, the dog I raised from birth. Stu, the cute little ball of fur. Ignoring all this, I took him up in one hand." (Rowan will get that.) The results of the first game are: VICTORIOUS MASTER OF BOWLING: Me, a.k.a. Zamfir is my God ILLUSTRIOUS, BUT NOT QUITE ASTOUNDING, QUEEN OF BOWLING: Brooke, a.k.a. Edsel MYSTERIOUS UP-AND-COMING MAESTRO OF BOWLING: Matt, a.k.a. Boring HOPELESS BOWLER #1: Jeff, a.k.a. Hatboy! HOPELESS BOWLER #2: Rowan, a.k.a. Up my... THE ABSOLUTELY WORST BOWLER OF THE LOT: Brendan, a.k.a. Spunkmonkey (note: If Matt had only hit that last middle pin on that last shot of the last frame, he would get to be Queen and Brooke would just be Maestro. Her victory was by a single point. I, on the other hand, was well out in front (ha ha.. ego trip.) Someothertime - theotherkindoftimearound 2:15. A second game of bowling is begun, this time with teams! Rowan's team (name: Bob Maet): Rowan, Brooke, Me and Jeff! Brendan's team (name: I dunno? Losers? :)): Brendan, Stu, Matt and Evan! The games begin with Rowan suddenly remembering how to bowl (besides just throwing it as hard as possible down the lane, tripping on his socks, and having the ball almost jump the gutter), Brooke forgetting how to bowl (oh well), and Jeff suddenly hitting all the pins down (woohoo! And he was our team's last pick! Steal!). Bob Maet was off to a quick lead! (I dunno what happened with the other team except they weren't as elite as us.. oh, and Evan was -really- bad. But Stu was really good, and Matt got a higher score than me, so...) By 2:05, it was settled. The blood was washed up off the hardwood and the scores were tallied. TRIUMPHANTLY AMAZING TEAM OF DOOM: Maet Bob with 460 points! NOT-QUITE-SO-TRIUMPHANTLY-AMAZING (AND SORT OF BAD IN PLACES, I GUESS) TEAM OF FOO': Those Other Guys with 433 points. Rowan finished with the highest score for the winners, and Stu (or actually maybe it was Matt) for the losers. "Hey! Evan's on -your guys team-! He's a spy.. a saboteur!" - Brendan. (ironically, as soon as the game was over, Evan threw a few more balls and got several strikes in a row.. ;) AHAHAHA! BRIBERY IS EFFECTIVE ONCE MORE!) 2:05 - 2:15 (timewarp.) Playing of video games and pinball results. The Mario Bros. machine steals my quarter, and Brendan puts fifty cents in the Star Trek pinball game before realising it's not turned on. "Hey! It stole my quarters!" - Brendan Brendan makes up for this with a stunning display of Indian-Jones-Pinballness, winning numerous free credits, and somehow getting the ball magnetically stuck, resulting in a tilt trying to get it out. :( 2:15 - 2:45 or so. Brooke persuades everyone that, instead of going to see Mortal Kombat II: Annihilation (which costs money) they should go to her house and assemble the Blender Mist Pack. Boo. I wanted to see really cheesy combat sequences. Ahwell. ;) Luckily for us, we are distracted from our destination when I go and get pizza and Rowan follows me in...then notices.. "Alright, video games! I'm so here!" - Rowan, glazed look in his eyes. 15 minutes, five quarters of Spider-Man and 3 quarters of awesome Bubble Bobble (arcaaaaade version.. woo.. Rowan got more points than me but I got a higher level. Nya) we leave the pizza pla ce and catch a bus to Brooke's. Wheneverwegot:toBrooke's - About8:00. We arrive at Brooke's. Users on her board are harassed -- particularily obnoxious user(s) on her board are booted and locked out because they take 30 minutes to play Lord and do silly things like practice colours 3 times without actually using any of the colour code. Bah! Then, Rowan takes over and Blender things are happening. There is much looking at cool entries and much assembling. A lot of stuff is assembled. A lot of cool entries are looked at. Life is good. Then, Evan somehow gains control of the keyboard and looks for more users to harrass as (meanwhile) numerous people lie about on Brooke's bed, evilly affected by her Lethargo-Ray. Matt plugs in his laptop (well, sort of.. it kept unplugging and turning off) and there is playing of Nethack and Twinsen's ... --- Renegade v5-11 Exp * Origin: meet my feet, you elitist bastard. (31:3373/1) [--tab- alt.cabbage.die.die] 215 of 217 Reading : Date: 5:07 pm Sun Nov 23, 1997 Number : 216 of 217 From: Zamfir Worshipper Base : --tab- alt.cabbage.die.die To : All Refer #: None Subj: BOWLING MEAT PART II Replies: None Stat: Sent Origin : 23 Nov 97 00:35:29 (wow.. you'd think all we did was bowl...) Anyways, back to Brooke's room, where the story continued to unfold. As people are playing with Matt's laptop and Evan is harassing users and Brooke is pretending to be tired even though she really isn't (how devious) great chaos erupts. Suddenly: The laptop turns off. Rowan pokes Brooke. Brooke acts annoyed. Evan pokes Brooke. Brook acts angry. Matt tries to plug in his laptop again. Rowan gets up. Rowan accidentally steps on Brooke's hair (accidentally?) Brooke gets annoyed. I manage not to poke, prod, or accidentally step on Brooke. (stay very still, Kemosabe...) Brooke gets up. Brooke accidentally gets her hair caught in her Brownie's badge collection. Brooke gets angry. Brooke RIPS the Brownie badge collection off the wall. Owch! Matt fixes his laptop. Evan annoys more users. Brooke acts annoyed at Evan for harassing users. Evan keeps touching things. Brooke acts annoyed at Evan for touching things. Evan keeps going into Windows and doing nothing. Brooke keeps telling Evan to go back into Intermail and stop touching her computer. Evan keeps going into Windows and doing nothing. Brooke keeps telling Evan to go back into Intermail and stop touching her computer. This keeps going on and on. Matt goes into Mavis Beacon's Typing to find out how fast he types. Matt types fast. People continue to play with Matt's laptop. Matt's laptop keeps getting unplugged. People keep lying around on Brooke's bed. Matt cocoons himself in Brooke's blankets. Brooke gets up to discipline Evan. I steal Brooke's warm sleeping spot. Brooke threatens to kick my ass. I give Brooke back her warm sleeping spot. "I've got to stop saying 'kick your ass'." - Brooke "So let's kick his ass" - Brooke "We're gonna kick his ass" - Brooke "I'll kick your ass!" - Brooke "Stop kicking my ass!" - Brooke "Arrrgh! I can't stop saying 'kicking ass'!" - Three Guesses... Needless to say, everything up in that last list did not happen chronologically.. in fact, they all happened in a completely different order (plus somewhere in there Jeff left, Evan went for food, and Evan came back with food, and Evan now owes me money so don't think I'm forgetting about that, eh...) but I guess if you want things in chronological, linear order, you should come to the meets so you can enforce your vision of time and reality on everyone else! Otherwise you'll have to suffer through my ludicrous ramblings and never really be able to figure out what's going on at all! And now, back to our story.. Brooke tries to make food. Brooke cannot use the can opener properly. Brooke gets orange juice instead. Matt gets orange juice. Brooke asks myself and Matt if we want dinner. Rowan has already left. Myself and Matt avoid the question, then say no. Sort of. Brooke tries to open the can of beans again and succeeds. Brooke's Leonard Cohen CD is listened to on her mediocre speakers. The sound is not bad. Brooke's classical music is attempted to be listened to on her mediocre speakers. Okay, they're shitty speakers.. Myself and Matt leave Brooke's house around 8. Matt borrows and umbrella so his laptop won't get wet. "I value it's life over mine.." - Matt "It's not like you're going to short-circuit if you get wet..." - Me After confirming with Matt that, sure, there's a bank machine on Arbutus and Broadway (I think, no I'm sure, no I thin k, no I'm not sure, no wait, I think there is, okay finally I'm definitely sure!) I go home. I finish Kerouac's _On the Road_ during transit! Woo. Read the book! I write long ramblings while waiting for the bus. I write so hard my pen stops working.. it still doesn't work very well now. :( THE END! HA HA! I WAS THERE AND IT WAS COOL AND YOU WERE NOT (Well, maybe you were, but then you can write your elite review!)