Date: 10:11 am Tue Dec 16, 1997 Number : 201 of 201 From: Cthulu Base : --tab- politics To : All Refer #: None Subj: Yow. Paradigm time... Replies: None Stat: Unsent Origin : Local Because I have proven to be a spectacularly poor student passing (it looks like) two out of some five classes and amassing a GPA of some 1 or so... I have forfeit my rights to be a person. I commented idly earlier how I appreciated the fact that now that I was paying some form of token rent to my parents ($100 / month from my trust fund) that they were treating me more like a person with rights. People know what they want and are equipped with the facilities to do so. I want to be a student, but it seems that up until now I have not allowed those facilities to develop. so now I am going to become an academic probation machine for three or four months, responding only to stimuli entered by my parents the academics. (rather, the kindergarten teacher and the aspiring psychologist/union freak.) I am now going to be a good student, to fit in this role well, because it is apparent that my success in this role is the only thing keeping this family togther. I don't know what the alternatives are, but too much change at once is bad for budding study habits, and I do want to be a student, right? In accordance with this, I am going to be going to school at 8:00 am, getting a ride with my dad every morning, so my mother will not (have to) worry about me sleeping in and missing class, regardless if my class starts at 10:30, noon, 2:30, 6:30 or what have you. I will be removing all distractions from my room, because I need an ordered study area. This is what the lecture they attended in grade 10 told them had to be done, and though they have attempted to implement this policy several times over the last few years, they have not been successful until now. I may be restricting my modem activities to one hour a night, at the end of the night; alternately, I may be cutting it out of my life altogether. Same with the computer - the tempation to play videogames is paramount. And I may well be voluntarily removing my phone line. I don't want a life, I want to fit in this role well. If I don't, I'm going to end up like Ryder. He doesn't have a role or a life. I may have to get someone else to keep an eye on mist until the summer, or alternately forever. I'm going to be spending a full two hours studying for every hour in class. I'm not going to be doing a heck of a lot this holidays. I'm going to be spending a lot of time at home, at family functions, playing the role of a good family member. I'm going to get a haircut and cut my beard. This is important because my physical appearance is an externalilzation of my mental state, and I need to have a spartan mind concerned only with academic success. Besides, it will make me infinitely more hireable. Oh yes, I will be preparing and distributing the mother of all vacant resumes in preparation for imminent academic meltdown. If anyone wants to do anything with my follicles, I am pretty sure that I will have them until the 20th, so that may be your last chance. Providing that I'm going to be there. I cannot create, because creation occurs only at the edge of knowledge. If I'm lucky, this will result in success - academic, and in the roles I have allowed myself to be thrust into. No, that will result if I work hard. If I'm lucky, I will grow into the role, and, in time, learn to love this person I have become. I hope this will come soon because it's only been one night and I already want to smash this fucker's face in, the one in the mirror, and with the beard and all he still _kind of_ looks like me. Once he stops looking like me I don't know what I'm going to do to him, whether I won't hate him as much or will be forced to love it, the only thing I'll have control over in my life (and where have I heard that expression before?) Apparently the final thing I have to do is become less passive, (the irony is lost on them) to start fighting, to start arguing with professors for marks whether I believe I deserve them or not. I'm going to be one of those people you hate. I have to get out of here, but I'm not going to. If I only had to worry about the obligations of a student, I might, but this has proven to be quite a Pandora's box. Token resistance? I do not approve - I have made it clear that the change was symbolic, that I needed to fail to become a good student for once, that it was a mental thing, a mindset. They agreed, and despite that my physical surroundings will be controlled as well. I'd like to have a sleep fast, but that is not going to be productive in the long run academically. Maybe I need to go to somewhere farther away, in residence somewhere, but for that I need to qualify for entrance, and academic probation won't cut that for now. I'm consigned to four more months, and, if it succeeds, I won't have any further desire to leave, because this will entail success in a role I have chosen. Happiness is not the same thing as success. Happiness will not get me through life, (just through living.) So with insomnia out, with symbolic rejection and socialization with peers out, I'm just going to be unhappy for the rest of my life. I might get a grim smirk to myself when I lean over the bowl, but can I live for that? I'm not planning on becoming bulemic, but the urge to vomit was strong enough last night and still hovers at the edges of perception. If it becomes my only release, perhaps I will no longer experience orgasm. Pleasant thought. This is Rowan, signing off. This is Cthulu, signing off. Should the next tenant of my body have some other name and some other drive for community interaction, I can't predict what they'll be. Maybe I'll urge him to make himself known through reference to a lost feature, such as a phantom beard or a transparent joy of living. Date: 8:13 pm Tue Dec 16, 1997 Number : 205 of 207 From: Soema Base : --tab- politics To : Cthulu Refer #: None Subj: Re: Yow. Paradigm time... Replies: None Stat: Sent Origin : 00 Sun 11 42:11:00 that was very very very scary. i started to cry half way through. i still have your kooshball. love, mike --- Renegade v5-11 Exp * Origin: Vote? That just encourages them! (31:3373/1) [--tab- politics] 205 of 207 Reading : Date: 8:13 pm Tue Dec 16, 1997 Number : 206 of 207 From: Happyfish Base : --tab- politics To : Cthulu Refer #: None Subj: Re: Yow. Paradigm time... Replies: None Stat: Sent Origin : 00 Sun 12 37:37:00 C> I'm going to be spending a full two hours studying for every hour in class. Upwards of sixty or seventy hours a week attending class, going to and from school, and studying, with no leisure activities but dealing with authoritarian parents will melt your mind. I've seen it happen -- one transition student had a bona fide nervous breakdown, and two more ran away from home (one was eleven, and hid in the endowment lands on her own for two days rather than face her parents after getting a C in english). School as a measure of worth fucking sucks. Being booted out of sfu left me depressed for almost a year.. and I had extremely supportive parents. I'm very worried about your mental health. Maybe you should consider not going to school next term, moving out, and finding a job enough to cover food'n'rent? If your trust fund can cover tuition, it can cover rent and such until you find some work you can deal with (reach high shelves and scowl at shoplifters!). you could always go the student loan route if you decide to go back to college.. School doesn't sound like something good for you at this point.. and living with your controlling mother most certainly doesn't. I suspect you'd get along much better with them and they with you if you didn't live with them. --- Renegade v5-11 Exp * Origin: Vote? That just encourages them! (31:3373/1) [--tab- politics] 206 of 207 Reading : Date: 12:02 am Wed Dec 17, 1997 Number : 207 of 207 From: Otnooishphoo Base : --tab- politics To : Cthulu Refer #: None Subj: Re: Yow. Paradigm time... Replies: None Stat: Sent Origin : 00 Sun 11 11:45:00 C> I have forfeit my rights to be a person. frankly i am not shocked. it was bound to happen. luck be with you. --- (echo).0 * Origin: (node) (31:808/13) [--tab- politics] 207 of 207 Reading : - Date: 4:35 am Wed Dec 17, 1997 Number : 203 of 204 From: Zamfir Worshipper Base : --tab- politics To : Cthulu Refer #: None Subj: Re: Yow. Paradigm time... Replies: None Stat: Sent Origin : 00 Sun 23 38:24:00 "I can't give you all my dreams, all the life I've lived... you and I know what friendship means, that's all we've got to give. Who will take your dreams away takes your soul another day; what can never be lost is gone, they've stolen it away... Please don't stand too close to me; can you hear my heart? Take my arm, and lean on me when we're not apart..." I have a basement with a pull-out bed, in case you need it at some point. I'm close to Cap too... no need to get a ride in the morning with your passive-aggressive excuse for a father. I suggest you a) wring your parents necks b) move out c) find out how much money you have in your trust fund and transfer it to a new bank account under your own name and d) keep me away from your parents. "Now our mission is complete, and our friends are here. Evil things brought down by the light; life goes on until the end." - Soundtrack to _The City of Lost Children_ Parents are so good at ruining people, and creating them -- I imagine they have wet dreams about being Gods. Date: 4:31 am Fri Dec 26, 1997 Number : 204 of 204 From: Cthulu Base : --tab- alt.cabbage.die.die To : All Refer #: None Subj: BLEAH! Replies: None Stat: Unsent Origin : Local I'm sick of this house. In fact, as soon as I finish breakfast I'm going to write a short note and leave. Mmm. 4:23 am. Parks in the cold are okay. (Thanks for the gloves and earmuffs!) Benny's is also a good place to be. I can read, and maybe once I reach the edges of knowledge, I can write as well. Hm. I'd like to bike, but I'd have to have somewhere to leave it, someone's house. Oh well, maybe tomorrow night. Then later on I can go to boxing day sales and buy things for people that I care about. Beads and books and comics and cool stuff. And if I can flee to someone's house in the afternoon, that sounds delightful. I have to be back here to be prepared for the arrival of an aunt and some cousins, but only as my parents will be out so the house, distasteful as its auras are, will at least be relativey unoccupied. And perhaps once they get back I will get sick and leave again. ... BOXING DAY! I should be at Benny's at, say, 9 am, noon, and 4 pm. Maybe an hour's stay each time. Come rencontre avec me there then. Inbetween I should be at various places, including That Crazy Bead Place Next To Where Boom Used To Be, the Comicshop, Granville Books, Cheap Thrills, Golden Age Collectables, Noah's Pet Ark, maybe A&B to harrass Gordon... oh, the possibilities. Maybe someone's house, too. Maybe my own, but I hope not. Ooh, if I get to go to someone else's house, maybe I'll even get to sleeeep there! (in the middle of the day, that is.)