And now, a message from our Quantum Chrono-Spatial World Events Department:


Cthulu, reporting live from Andorra

The military said that they didn't want to be governed by the whim of the day and environmental landscapes.

So, they irradiated large portions of the midwestern plains and seeded delicate watersheds with Anthrax and Killer Brazillian bees, the latter to weed out and exterminate any remaining mutant strains who developped a resistance to the highly volatile substances involved.

Of course, this meant that they then had to waste hundreds of precious man-hours spraying afflicted regions with DDT, to eradicate the suddenly rampant growth of the local bee population. This didn't go too well with the local inhabitants of the region, most of whom mysteriously died. Some of the survivors picketed Capitol Hill, protesting the use of toxic substances in populated areas, and then they agreeably died as well.

The rest died too, in the process of 'voluntarily' performing tests for the Food and Drug Administration involving for what duration of time DDT victims can survive in a pressure 8 times the gravity of Earth's, the results of which, incidentally, led to the construction of several colonies on Mars, which then floated off because, due to administrative cock-ups in high places, nobody had noticed that the gravity on Mars was in fact eight times LESS than that of Earth.

The families of the test victims were recompensed monetarily by Uncle Sam, or, rather, would have been, if the US hadn't taken that moment to simultaneously invade both Andorra and Antarctica, starting logically at the beginning of the alphabet. Ordinarily, the magnamious and impressive US armed forces wouldn't have had any problem with the proposed task, but they seemed to have recently slaughtered up to 96% of their active and reserve personnel in accidents involving DDT consumption and bee stings, and, besides, no one could find Andorra on a map, which they were holding upside-down.

Antarctica was another matter entirely, as it's a rather difficult land mass to miss, but the penguins were unexpectedly well-armed, having traded surplus nuclear materials for hostages and fish. Suffering terrible losses, the Allied forces were forced to retreat, while the US was invaded by Swaziland and the United Arab Emirates, who had been able to maintain a sufficiently low profile to avoid the detection of their new model of mind-control ray gun.

Unfortunately, the invaders realized just how incredibly silly it was to build a city along a fault line, as the new capitol of the United Arab States of Swaziland, Los Angeles, was swallowed whole by the angry Earth, along with the new rulers, all of whom were attending a reuinion concert of Johann Sebastien Bach (who was proved to be an impostor at a later date). Seeing as the population of the first G-7 country was now a simple mass of brainless zombies, they decided that the whim of the day wasn't that bad a thing in the first place.