The Hacker's Nutritional Guide

Breakfast of Champions! J0LT Cola.

Hacker Philosophy of Eating

Eating is generally viewed by most hackers as wasted time. For example, 10 seconds taken to eat a bite of Cola-Gummi can mean the difference between Morris/Torvalds level concentration (big-endian concentration) and distraction. Time taken for such ridicu lous things as sleep, going to the washroom, or food are considered goofing off to the majority of hard headed coders out there, and circut frying hardware weenies. Therefore, the hacker diet is most compact, and time efficient (except when it is n ot, which is expected.) Of course, these fine principles of nutrition fade in the face of personal taste, and weakness and distraction. But they help for those long nights when you simply must finish the Goddamn Code and there are gremlins on the inside of your SGI that are putting errors in the static libraries you are sure of it!

Eating Habits

There are two schools of hacker feeding:
Nothingness: Eating as little as possible, whenever possible. Usually 20 meals a day.
Gluttony: Eating as much as possible in large bursts, usually 1 meal a day.
These schools of thought are variable of course. When a hacker is on daylight hours (not coding, hacking) and on social occasions, these conventions break down. It is also interesting to note that you can identify a hacker by diet. Anybody who constantly drinks water/coca cola and eats Boost fuel replacement bars in probably a hack.

Four Major Food Groups Groups

The big four are:

  1. Caffeine/Stimulants/Medicinals
  2. Carbohydrate Group
  3. Petrochemical Group
  4. Sugar Group
  5. Exceptions (Not really a group)


Generally Caffeine/Stimulants/Medicinals can be any substance (usually pharmecutical in nature) that enhances the performance of the following systems in the body:
  • Parasympathetic Nervous System (Fight-or-Flight reactions to maintain nervous edge)
  • Central Nervous System (Higher brain functions such as object subclassing in C++)
  • Sombulatic Repression Loop aka Asimbulatic Loop (Sleep repression part of a person's metbology.)
  • Various Glandular systems for low-level body hacking (For stimulation of the appropriate hormones, fine tuning performance.)
  • Exceptions to this general rule are substances that may be a ritualistic part of hacking. For example, substances like Elacca and Mustard powder are used for a total digestive system cleansing after a bad hack. They serve no purpose other than ritual, but then again, that is important to mental health.

    A List of Common Medicinals

    A List of Common Stimulants

    A List of Common Caffeine Sources These are good caffeine sources. Tested and selective. Others may imitate them, but each source has its benefits. To a true Berkeley hacker (esoteric west coast AI coders and ex-BSD project staff) caffeine sources are like wine. An example would be Dr. Pepper. It has a rich, sweet, and acient taste. It rolls pleasantly off ones soft palate, and leaves just the right pressure of CO2 in the sinuses. Best served ice cold in warm weather (when the nitrogen cooler on the Cray blows itself out, or the air conditioning goes.)

    A List of Common Caffeine Sources

    Carbohydrate Group

    Carbohydrates are the primary weapon of a person (or what's left of a sysadmin) who has been fasting. It is also the solemn dirge of one who loves to consume until blue in the face. For the nothing school of eating, carbohydrates are best consumed before a long period of work. For the glutton school, they are best consumed all through the period of work. The most effective and time efficient way to consume carbohydrates is intervenously. This is difficult to do for reasons best mentioned, lest a fanatic read this: Intervenous does not work well for people with high blood pressure. It does not, therefore, go down well with our hack heart rates. We could explode the drip bag.


    Carbohydrates are best prepared boiled to nothingness (mash potato primordial soup) or dry. There is some leeway with purified water, seeing that cooking is not nessecary to produce a completely bacteria-free product. Please make sure that the product you try to cook is SEALED well. Otherwise, there could still be a germ or two left in the food. That just wouldn't do.The the fragile health between coma and hyperactivity, hacks must guard their immune systems well. Remember when the old VM machines were in a glass house? That was there to make sure the admins didn't get colds.

    Petrochemical Group

    Dinosaur piss is good stuff. For one, it makes up plastic, so why not eat it? Surely if a rubber boot can last 2000 years a human can if he/she eats enough hydrocarbons. There are a couple of ways to purchase the proper petrochemical:
    1. Make sure the gas station/COSTCO is well stocked with non-chocolate items.
    2. Purchase the mooshy, hard, covered with acidic crystal stuff. It preserves your ulcer well.
    3. Buy nothing less than 300g at once.
    4. The cheapest are the best.
    It is best to buy your petrochemicals from a reputable manufacturer. It is a rumour at the USGS (United STates Geological Survey) that Saudi Arabian derived foam bannas are better than the American variety. Many patriotic Canadians died to bring us this information. Use it well. Do not buy from Texaco.

    List of Common Petrochemical products

    Sugar Group

    The world of sugar consumption is governed by only a couple of rules. For the purposes of this Guide, the reader is left to fend for him/herself in the matter of choice. All sugar is good, be it extruded (candyfloss) or crystalized (rock candy.)

    Rules of Sugar Selection:

    1. Cost is no object for good sugar!
    2. Qunatity is generally better than quantity. (eg. One Trouffalt de Four at Quiver's of Paris or 432 Mars Bars world wide? There is no question.)
    3. Avoid the dreaded organic sugar and honey sweetened goods. They merely pretend to be something that they are not.
    4. Jolt Cola is an excellent source of sugar!
    5. Some hackers thrive on regularity of diet (3 Mars Bars a day) and some on absolute diversity. FIND OUT WHICH YOU ARE!

    The Exceptions to the Groups (Because hacking involves exceptions)

    Make any exceptions you like. If you are a bisexual gerbil from Rumania, and you enjoy fruit sweetened organic carrots, go right ahead. Eat them. See if I care. You are only as good as the number of exceptions you have to this list. As a matter of fact, I am hoping to gauge the health of the hack community by reading all the hatemail that this Guide gets. Flame me, please. Hackdom is better as Spock put it, in Infinite Diversity in Infinite Combinations.

    Good Dietary Habits

    Eat. If you die, it means that you hav either eaten too much or too little.

    AUTHOR: The Lauging Fool