Caf and Decaf

A short movie by Coyote, our resident Tarantino etre.

(This first scene is all very methodical and systematic. Imagine a metronome coordinating the entire scene.)




A CLOCK on the wall. It's analog and it is ticking. The ticking remains in the background until otherwise noted, as do each concurrent noise.



(O.S.) Keyboard keys clicking.



VINNIE, sitting in a booth. He is thin, wears a garish Hawaiian shirt and jeans. On his face are round, dark SUNGLASSES. His dark bangs flop into his eyes. A LAPTOP COMPUTER sits on the table in front of him and he is typing on it very quickly.



(O.S.) WHISTLING over the key-clacking. Someone is whistling "Under Pressure" by Queen.



TYRONE is sitting across from VINNIE. He is slumped back, looking bored, and whistling. TYRONE is a bit shorter, and has dyed blond hair, going dark again at the roots. He has significantly deeper tan than VINNIE, and wears a grey t-shirt and jeans.



(O.S.) The POP of bubble gum.



MOLLY is sitting next to TYRONE. She is chewing gum and reading a menu. MOLLY has flowing black hair and glasses. The sleeves of her shirt have been cut off.



(O.S.) The keyboard clacking continues for a moment, then STOPS abruptly.



VINNIE, looking over the tops of his sunglasses at TYRONE in annoyance.

VINNIE Stop your whistling, before I hit you.

TYRONE Why should I? You've been sitting there for half an hour. I'm bored. I have the right to whistle if I'm bored.

VINNIE (going back to his typing) Whistle something else, then. That song is buggin me... I hated Vanilla Ice. White guys shouldn't even try to rap, it makes them look like dicks.

TYRONE It's not Vanilla Ice. It's by Queen.

MOLLY (calling to WAITRESS) Excuse me! Hey!

VINNIE No, "Bohemian Rhapsody" was by Queen. That riff is right out of "Ice, Ice, friggen Baby". If you're going to start singing bad wigger trash like that, I ain't paying for your bagel. (points at half-eaten bagel in front of TYRONE.)

TYRONE Fine, fine. But it WAS done by Queen. And David Bowie. They did some sort of benefit thing together, like everyone else in the eighties. Vanilla Ice just sampled it to make his own version. That's all.

MOLLY (to the WAITRESS again) Hey! Yeah, you! The ugly one in the dress! Getcher waitress butt over here, I want some coffee. (under her breath) Hell of a time getting refills in this place.

VINNIE (now starting to get caught up in the discussion) Are you trying to tell me that Queen and David Bowie - Ziggy-played-guitar-Stardust Bowie - recorded a song together, and then years later some freak who thinks he's cool enough to be something he ain't, rips this song and writes some stupid lyrics and suddenly he's the hottest blackest white guy around? And making MONEY off it?

TYRONE shrugs. The WAITRESS comes over, and sullenly pours MOLLY some more coffee. VINNIE goes back to his typing. MOLLY calls her back as she's leaving.

MOLLY Decaf? Did I ASK you for decaf?

WAITRESS Does it LOOK like decaf?

MOLLY That coffee pot lid is orange. Orange means decaf.

WAITRESS Brown means decaf...

MOLLY Don't GIVE me that! I know the difference between decaf and friggen regular coffee! Dump this impotent slime out and give me my caffeinated.

WAITRESS Why should I?

VINNIE Do you want a tip? Give the lady her coffee already.

The WAITRESS glares for a moment at TYRONE, as if daring him to add a comment, and then leaves with MOLLY's coffee. TYRONE looks surprised.

TYRONE Why was she staring at ME? What did I do? I was strictly not-involved!

VINNIE You worry too much, Tyrone. You gotta calm down. You tend to think everyone's out to get you.

TYRONE I don't worry too much. I just have a well- developed, fine-tuned sense of affliction. (pause) And that waitress was definitely afflicting me. She was emotionally attacking me.

MOLLY She was a stupid gimp. She probably hurts herself when she looks in the mirror every morning. What kind of IDIOT gets decaf and regular mixed up?...

VINNIE continues to type, silently. A new WAITRESS comes by with MOLLY's coffee. She sets it down on the table in front of her and leaves.

TYRONE Did you SEE that?

MOLLY See what?

TYRONE It was a different waitress. A different waitress brought you your coffee.

MOLLY And your point is... ?

TYRONE Well... (pause) I guess you alienated the first one.

MOLLY (laughs) How can you ALIENATE a waitress? She gives you food, you give her money. There's no deep, spiritual relationship going on. It's purely pragmatic.

TYRONE No way. There's something distinctly Freudian about waitresses. It's very similiar to one's mother... Both bring food, and the reaction is very much the same in many cases.

VINNIE stops typing, rolls his mouse ball for a minute, then CONCENTRATES and reads over what he's been writing.

VINNIE Hmmmm... Admin is still a little chaotic.

MOLLY What exactly is it you're doing there, Vinnie?

VINNIE (looking up, a bit thrown) Huh? Oh, just Mall Security. They want me to check it for any obvious bugs, you know. Standard deal. Buncha guys with beerbellies and 2% literacy rates who don't know what they're looking for, etcetera etcetera.


TYRONE Popular Culture. Now that's pretty wild. You're a 'hacker'. How cliched can you get?

VINNIE Cliched? You wanna talk cliched, look at yourself. I see a million guys like you every day. Same hair, same clothes. If there's one unoriginal person at this table, it's you.


MOLLY So what am I?

TYRONE Dunno... you're just a girl. (pause) But all this 'hacker' stuff is overrated.

VINNIE How so, deep thinker? Not that I disagree or anything... just want your sage take on it.

TYRONE Look at the movies of last summer. Some office chick gets her credit card number wiped out. Suddenly she's a 'hacker'. She don't even know half of what you do. And those kids in 'Hackers' were even worse: buncha ignorant dicks. What does pop culture know about tech stuff, anyway?

VINNIE Must be why we're not 'pop culture' then. Hell, pop culture wouldn't be caught dead whistling Vanilla Ice in an undertrendy restaurant.


MOLLY I'll be right back. I need to make a phone call. (to VINNIE) If you tip that waitress I'll kill you.

VINNIE Whatever.

MOLLY gets up and leaves the table.

TYRONE Seen Raggi lately?

VINNIE Raggi? No, why?

TYRONE You haven't seen Raggi 'cause they caught him.

VINNIE No WAY! Are you serious? Raggi got caught?

TYRONE Caught him trying to lift a Lotus Esprit. Sweet car, too.

VINNIE I can't believe it.

TYRONE Believe it. He's holed up in detention right now. His sister went to visit him, and found him sitting there planning his next lift. Even tried to get her to contact some people 'on the outside'. He actually said that. 'On the outside'.

VINNIE He won't be in there long.

TYRONE I dunno bout that... Raggi's stolen a lot of cars...

VINNIE Think about it. Raggi's never been caught before even though he steals anything that falls prey to his kleptomaniac little eyes. Dozens of cars, you know? He's getting a slap on the wrist, man.

MOLLY comes back and sits down.

MOLLY I can't believe how stupid people are today.

TYRONE Why? Who'd you call?

MOLLY My mother. She wants me home so I can mow the lawn. The stupid thing is, Jake's sitting right there. Watching TV or something. Why should I go home and do my brother's work?

TYRONE Hey, Jake's got the right idea. I wish I had an older sister to do all my work for me.

MOLLY You think I'm going to anything for that little crapstain? Think again, pal. I'm gonna disappear. No way I'm going home now.