Too Fascist To Be True

...AND JUSTICE FOR ALL March: Good news for all you insubordinate Aryan psychotics: not taking your medication can get you off the hook, guaranteed. Case in point: John J. Locke was found not guilty of assaulting a black police officer, after testimony had showed that Locke had screamed racial slurs at the cop, and with no provocation whatsoever, beat the man senseless and left him with multiple cuts, bruises, and loosened teeth. The clincher: Lockie is a manic depressive, and against his doctor's orders had ceased taking his daily dosages of prescribed lithium for two months preceding the incident. He was released scot-free, on the promise that he would start popping his brain pills again.

JUST LET THE COUNTRY GO, ELIZABETH June: Bet you thought we won the war... Ontario legislator Dominic Agostina was rejected his seat at his official swearing-in ceremony because he "swore allegiance to Canada". So where's the problem? Constitutional oath requires that legislators "bear true allegiance only to Her Majesty, the Queen of England". And in other news, tyrannical monarchy reigns supreme. So what else is new?

BEWARE OF RUSTY THE WEINER DOG July: A blind employee of an unnamed American company was denied the right to bring his labrador guide dog into his place of work, a ruling officiated by the agency which administers, of all things, the Americans with Disabilities Act. So just what could take precedence over a sight guide? Apparently there was another employeee at said place of work who was "suffering from a fear of canines". So get a new therapist, you griping little milquetoast.

NEWS FLASH: SAVE TIME AND MONEY BY THINKING August: Violet Williams and Bob Dodson, low-income elderly residents in Kansas City, are evicted from their apartment building by the City Union Mission. The Mission's reasoning behind such a cold-hearted expulsion? They allegedly needed the land to construct a homeless shelter. But wait, it gets better; the overwhelming need for a shelter was brought about but shortage of low-income housing in the first place.

AND ANOTHER GREAT POLITICAL CONCEPT LOSES IT'S POTENTIAL WHEN SHIPPED OVERSEAS... August: The city council of Lierne, Norway, found its citizens extraordinarily apathetic when it came to political issues, so in order to increase interest they offered eligibility for an all-expense paid trip to a southern European resort, available to all participating voters. Three months earlier, Russian runway model-turned political starbaby Yelena Mavrodi had offered gift certificates to all of her supporters, promising an unidentified gratuity to each one; despite her materialistic platform, she only finished third in the election to represent Kolomna in the Russian Legislation. And finally, the Argentina government was reportedly seriously considering a similiar reward around the same time of year; $100,000 to each resident of the Falkland Islands who promised to vote in favor of leaving British sovereignty and become subjects under the Argentine establishment. Is democracy dead in the water or what?

THE HARD WAY OF DOING THINGS August: How to get a free laptop: brutally murder a family of four, get on death row, and ask your local judge for one as nicely as possible. Hey, it's a long shot, but it worked for Charles Diaz, former Hell's Angel and certified nutcase. Chuck had his lawyer bring his request for a computer before the court, insisting that it was "the 90s, and computers are part of the law practice". His request was granted, and was also allegedly provided with a partly crippled phone line to the outside, justifying our warning to you: Psychos on the Internet are closer than they appear.

AUTHOR: Cthulu


Cthulu: was this what you were thinking of, in terms of too fascist to be true? I didn't find the kid in the dress, but i found a great source of utterly rediculous things that have happened in the world... give me any editting you think this needs, etc... if i can find it, i'll also have a huge expose on power sources (it's long and involved, you understand when you read it).