title: blam?

The sight of his fingernails burning brightly brought a tear to

Billy's eye. Not tears of joy. Tears of real and palpable pain.

Billy was a pretty stupid boy.

One day, Billy bugged his parents to buy him a slingshot.

Realizing that this would be too dangerous for their careless

little offspring, they bought him a Mazda RX-7 instead. Billy

didn't like the colour so he threw it away. Now, if there's one

thing I can't stand, it's an ungreatful little moron like Billy,

so, as the author, it is my duty to kill him in the most brutal

way.

But of course, he'll have to cause some mayhem first.

Regretting his disposal of the car, Billy bought himself a Ford

F-350. He got the money from selling magic dirt. Now, the dirt

wasn't really magic, but the people buying it didn't know that.

Neither did Billy, because he was such a retard.

Now Billy was ready to hit the road. If you're wondering

whether he was old enough to drive, he was. Billy was 107 years

old. His dad was 80 and his mom was 6. Billy was kind of

inbred.

So, as Billy's diesel-burning road-chewing machine from hell

took to the streets, Billy cheered wildly.

Billy's cheering was not appreciated in Bridgeview, and his

neighbours asked him to keep it down as he was lowering the

property values.

Billy, oh Billy, you dirt-selling, hamster-eating moron. The

song wailed out of his AM radio. Billy loved country music.

Billy tried to turn up the radio, but instead, accidentally hit

the auto-dismantler switch, which is located right next to the

volume know on all Ford vehicles.

Parts of Billy's truck flew all over the road. Luckily, Billy

managed to avoid hitting his own dismantler switch. I'm sick of

typing the name "Billy" so I'm changing the little bastard's name

to Horace.

Horace now had no buttocks after scraping them all over the

pavement. To teach the pavement a lesson, he smashed it really

hard with his teeth. "I thure thowed HIM!" thaid Horathe

triumphantly.

Thuddenly, Horathe found himthelf thurrounded by a huge gang of

killer Jehova'th witnetheth. They didn't jutht WITNESS Jehovah,

they thook hith HAND dammit!

"We're going to kick your teeth in," thaid the firtht one. True

to hith word, he picked up all the broken teeth and kicked them

back in Horathe'th mouf.

"THANKS!" shrieked Horace, at such an annoying volume that they

all went deaf, including Horace.

"..." said the Jehova's witness, because no one could hear him.

After a while, they all learned a crude form of sign language

involving maiming the other person in a variety of interesting

ways.

"That will be $10,000," slapped the Jehova's witness.

"What?" bashed Horace.

"For the dental work," chainsawed the Jehova's witness, who

suddenly became Jewish.

"Look, pal," slashed Horace, "I don't owe you a damn thing!"

Horace then set him on fire, which in their new language meant,

"I am a peacock, you son of a bitch."

Horace's toes exploded. Not all at once. One after the other.

They sounded like popcorn.

Horace got very upset at his toes and cut his ears off. Then

he flossed his newly replaced teeth with piano wire and used the

same wire to cut off the circulation on his legs. After a day,

they turned gray and fell off. Actually, he fell off them.

His parents were very upset when they found out. They killed

themselves to teach him a lesson. Since Horace was so inbred

that he was actually his own father, this killed him too.

When his will was read out, it was discovered that he was in

fact all of his own relatives, so he had left everything to

himself. I guess you CAN take it with you.

author: Livewire