(2) Out of my Mind Bocephus Feces
* First of all, I was going to explain the glasses on Purple Smarties, but they've since ceased to make them with "cool shades". (I believe they're being simultaneously sued by Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder.) Society's Mistakes and why we should Appreciate them I've spent countless hours being grateful to a man in New York. We've all heard about him, y'know, that guy whose dick fell off in the bath after he shot it full of coke. Well I Believe that he is on of our unsung heroes of today. If he's still alive, that poor bastard, I believe I'd like to shake his hand. Well, maybe not his hand, or any other part of him for that matter, after all I don't know where he's been. However... I would still like to extend my sincerest congrats on his important discovery as well as my warmest heartfelt thanks. I Know I'll never consider injecting my penis with any foreign substance again. All because of one mans startlingly groundbreaking idea! Many times I have resisted that natural urge to spray "no-stick cooking spray" up my nose. I was very fortunate not to be born too curious because I have since found out that it is lethal. That's right, once again we need to give thanks to a certain teenage girl, how buried in her hometown of Tofino California. We are all human (well at least I am, I assume that you are too if you are reading this, but my apologies to all those non-sentient un-men out there.) We all have the desire to discover the unknown. To comprehend the illogical. To grab science by the short hairs and say, "You've got a ways to yet!" We experiment, hey it's what we do. But why should we only applaud the successful. I at least believe in that age old belief that we can learn a lot from our mistakes. On, and here's a tip for the ladies: If you are going to douche with lighter fluid, don't stand near an open flame. the end. The Red Smarties Predicament Editor's Note Last month, as our regular readers will recall, we published the thought provoking essay "The Signifigance of Red Smarties". Ever since we have been recieving letters, some from concerned readers, some from teachers of physics and theory, and still others from unemployable psychotics. People of all ages, races and sexual orientation have written us. Some try to correct us, others blatently debunk us. We cannot over emphasize what a bunch of FUCKING ASSHOLES YOU PEOPLE ARE! JESUS CHRIST! WHAT WE PUBLISHED WAS ONE MAN'S OPINION! YOU READ IT, YOU THINK ABOUT IT, YOU AGREE, YOU DISAGREE. WE'RE NOT SAYING HE IS RIGHT! So, due to the overwhelming interest in the subject, we are reprinting the original essay along with some of the rationally opinioned letters. the end. letters not included, please send 15 dollars plus shipping and handling to the address below, and we will send you a complete copy. p/o box 7429 Cocks 'R' Us New Westminster Quay Feature Survey: What kind of Bastard are you? Scenario #1: You're on the bus, there's one seat left but it's in the old people section, you see an elderly woman with blue hair, vericose veins, two shopping bags, a bingo parlour hat and a moustache heading for that seat. Do you: -10 A: Let her take the seat, after all she's elderly and... 5 B: Deliberatley induce vomit onto forementioned seat, if you can't have it, no one can. 20 C: Club her over the back of the head with that wrench you keep in your back pocket, tear her zellers special dress off, throw her off the bus through the window and keep her shopping bags. 10 D: Let her take the seat and throw that whiny kid off the bus so you can seit near his somewhat attractive mother. Scenario #2: You're at a major sporting event, there's a 20 minute line up for the bathroom. Do you: -10 A: Wait in line like everyone else. 5 B: Find a corner. 10 C: Who needs corners? 20 D: beat the living crap out of everyone in the line up. Scenario #3: You're out slumming, you've been approached by the same panhandler 4 times, he's drunk, scruffy and really pissing you off! You: -10 A: Give him money hoping he'll go away. 5 B: Get him arrested. 10 C: Beat him up. 20 D: Beat the living shit out of him, take his money, booze and clothes, and then get him arrested. Scenario #4: You are watching your favorite TV show, when the doorbell rings. You can see through the peephole in the door that it's a couple of girl guides with cookies. You: -10 A: Open the door, be nice and buy cookies. 5 B: Shout obscenities through the door until they leave. 10 C: Get the shotgun, blow their faces off, take the cookies. 50 D: Open door, buy cookies, shove them up their asses, ejaculate of them, then, eat the cookies... the end. * The opinions expressed here, are not the opinions of the current editor. Any complaints can be directed to HELL you cocksucking FUCKFACES. * The current location of Bocephus Feces is unknown. He has been spotted propositioning employees at the movie theatres in metrotown.