(2) Out of my Mind                                       Bocephus Feces
        * First of all, I was going to explain the glasses on Purple
        Smarties, but they've since ceased to make them with "cool
        shades".  (I believe they're being simultaneously sued by
        Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder.)

  Society's Mistakes and why we should Appreciate them

          I've spent countless hours being grateful to a man in New
        York.  We've all heard about him, y'know, that guy whose dick
        fell off in the bath after he shot it full of coke.  Well I
        Believe that he is on of our unsung heroes of today.  If he's
        still alive, that poor bastard, I believe I'd like to shake his
        hand.  Well, maybe not his hand, or any other part of him for
        that matter, after all I don't know where he's been.  However...
        I would still like to extend my sincerest congrats on his
        important discovery as well as my warmest heartfelt thanks.
        I Know I'll never consider injecting my penis with any foreign
        substance again.  All because of one mans startlingly
        groundbreaking idea!

          Many times I have resisted that natural urge to spray
        "no-stick cooking spray" up my nose.  I was very fortunate not
        to be born too curious because I have since found out that it
        is lethal.  That's right, once again we need to give thanks
        to a certain teenage girl, how buried in her hometown of Tofino
        California.  We are all human (well at least I am, I assume that
        you are too if you are reading this, but my apologies to all
        those non-sentient un-men out there.)  We all have the desire
        to discover the unknown.  To comprehend the illogical.  To
        grab science by the short hairs and say, "You've got a ways to
        yet!"  We experiment, hey it's what we do.  But why should we
        only applaud the successful.  I at least believe in that age old
        belief that we can learn a lot from our mistakes.

          On, and here's a tip for the ladies:  If you are going to douche
        with lighter fluid, don't stand near an open flame.

                                                        the end.

  The Red Smarties Predicament
  Editor's Note

          Last month, as our regular readers will recall, we published
        the thought provoking essay "The Signifigance of Red Smarties".
        Ever since we have been recieving letters, some from concerned
        readers, some from teachers of physics and theory, and still
        others from unemployable psychotics.  People of all ages, races
        and sexual orientation have written us.  Some try to correct us,
        others blatently debunk us.  We cannot over emphasize what a
        So, due to the overwhelming interest in the subject, we are
        reprinting the original essay along with some of the rationally
        opinioned letters.

                                                        the end.

letters not included, please send 15 dollars plus shipping and handling
to the address below, and we will send you a complete copy.

        p/o box 7429
        Cocks 'R' Us
        New Westminster Quay

  Feature Survey:  What kind of Bastard are you?

  Scenario #1:  You're on the bus, there's one seat left but it's in
                the old people section, you see an elderly woman with
                blue hair, vericose veins, two shopping bags, a bingo
                parlour hat and a moustache heading for that seat.
                Do you:

          -10   A: Let her take the seat, after all she's elderly and...

            5   B: Deliberatley induce vomit onto forementioned seat,
                   if you can't have it, no one can.

           20   C: Club her over the back of the head with that wrench
                   you keep in your back pocket, tear her zellers special
                   dress off, throw her off the bus through the window
                   and keep her shopping bags.

           10   D: Let her take the seat and throw that whiny kid off
                   the bus so you can seit near his somewhat attractive

  Scenario #2:  You're at a major sporting event, there's a 20 minute
                line up for the bathroom.
                Do you:

          -10   A: Wait in line like everyone else.

            5   B: Find a corner.

            10  C: Who needs corners?

            20  D: beat the living crap out of everyone in the line up.

   Scenario #3: You're out slumming, you've been approached by the
                same panhandler 4 times, he's drunk, scruffy and
                really pissing you off!

          -10   A: Give him money hoping he'll go away.

            5   B: Get him arrested.

           10   C: Beat him up.

           20   D: Beat the living shit out of him, take his money,
                   booze and clothes, and then get him arrested.

   Scenario #4: You are watching your favorite TV show, when the doorbell
                rings.  You can see through the peephole in the door
                that it's a couple of girl guides with cookies.

          -10   A: Open the door, be nice and buy cookies.

            5   B: Shout obscenities through the door until they leave.

           10   C: Get the shotgun, blow their faces off, take the cookies.

           50   D: Open door, buy cookies, shove them up their asses,
                   ejaculate of them, then, eat the cookies...

                                                        the end.

* The opinions expressed here, are not the opinions of the current editor.
  Any complaints can be directed to HELL you cocksucking FUCKFACES.

* The current location of Bocephus Feces is unknown.  He has
  been spotted propositioning employees at the movie theatres in