***CHRONO-SPATIAL ANOMALY DETECTED*** Do not be alarmed. This page would ordinarily be a high-definition piece of lobster pornography, but switches back to this text whenever you are looking, using a high-tech context-sensitive backwards-time-projectotron. We have a problem. In our sun source timeline, by the year 2003 TABNet should have been well on its way to accomplishing its primary objective: total domination over the planet you know as Earth, as well as secondary and tertiary objectives of achieving world piece and exporting expanded consciousness on a global and interspecies scale. We don't understand why you have squandered your advantageous starting position at the expense of an investment in the future of the whole planet. It is perhaps not too late to recoup and renew the impact your select, chosen few must have on the planetary psyche. http://www.e-sheep.com/almostguy Dark horse candidate Zeitgeist Leibensraum, file photos indicating in a jester's cap and juggling devil's sticks, performs surprisingly well in an all-parties debate with his unprecedented flustered "You are ALL IDIOTS!" debating technique, in a performance culminating in his representing his riding in Victoria. Favourite Zeitgeist is overturned at the Federal Federated Antiauthoritarian Smash the State Party leadership convention, where his sophistry and rhetorical tricks are overturned by Myk Whyte's "ASSHAT!" tactics. Mr. Whyte (who bizarrely insists on being referred to as "sOEMA" in this political context) "SHUT THE FUCK UP?" "SO, TELL ME ABOUT YOUR PROBLEMS." asshole. * 1992 - 00:00, 06 March - Michaelangelo virus set to trigger. 1993 - 16:00, 30 January - Rusty 'n Eddie's busted Russell and Edwina Hardenburgh * 1994 - 17:00, 20 February - Drongo Kcerb, aka Gordon Breckenridge, aka beatle, aka (please see attached for full list) is observed hobnobbing with Nettwerk recording artist Sarah Mclachlan, who he persuades to greet TabNet. (http://web.cs.mun.ca/~patrick/sarah/chat/talk1.html) It is rumoured among fans that the song "Building A Mystery" off her 1997 album "Surfacing" addresses a tempestuous relationship between them sometime in 1995. Apparently she was not as good a lay as the cabin boy. 1995 - Magik Elvis and Bjork 1996 - Renowned science-fiction author William Gibson admits that the plot to his book "Idoru" was lifted almost wholesale from a lucid dream posted by Purple Haze. * 1997 - 00:00, 01 September - Amiga .mod-tracking group EuphoniX tears up the college radio charts with their breakout hit "Let's get out of these monkey suits" (http://www.chartattack.com/charts/college/oldcamp/sep97/9709camp1.txt), preparing the ears of the nation for the electronic onslaught that would follow with Robert Miles' "Children", Moby's "Play", and Crapnotronic's influential tribute album of remixes of seminal tracks from the Happy Fetus Records crew at the Pelvis of Elvis. Proceeds - label. Insaneacon records. * 1998 - 00:00, 01 September - TABNet's 5th anniversary is celebrated in DiSCORDER magazine (see inset), in what would prove to be the first of their many grand and renowned media appearances. 1998 - 00:00, 01 November - RollingStone - Ponderous Frank Zappa / Grateful Dead / Mike Oldfield-inspired rock opera emerging from a vat of pudding, retracted after managing editor Hunter S. Thompson gets into a fistfight with Toxic Cockroach. ALL ANALysis album art. -tHE fIFTH mOON oF sPORKLENOC is listed by the Utne Reader as the third-hippest neighborhood in North America, after the WELL and Yaletown. 1999 - 23:59, 31 December - Y2K - cover of Wired, dotcom - Dog trainer Bob Eden found dead under mysterious circumstances. Despite appearances of foul play, the Delta homicide unit eventually declares the death, whose court-order suppressed details involved sex toys and a pack of dogs, a messy suicide attempt. Investigative journalists will determine that his head was split into three (3) pieces with an axe. 2000 - 06:30, 21 January - Kevin Mitnick, aka Condor, is released from imprisonment after being held for five years without charge. In a similar gesture of goodwill towards trailblazers of the electronic frontier, a wide-necked youth, who cannot be identified under the Youth Criminal Justice Act, is arraigned of property damage charges following his laying and detonating of demolitions charges, following instructions from the Jolly Roger Cookbook and with assistance from equipment stolen from BC Tel vans, in and along major Rogers Cable switching stations. Open season effectively declared on providers of major corporate media, info-anarchists intimidate them out of town following a casual demonstration of UTV's vulnerabilities by a man identified only as "the d0ctor". Long-reaching ramifications of this legal precedent result in an increase in public discourse both online and off, producing an agora of ideas in which are debated hot topics such as abortion and the merits of tube socks vs. heeled socks. 2001 - Razor 1911, the Cult of the Dead Cow, Future Crew and ACiD, Inc. perform an extraordinary merger whose resultant keiretsu, Omnicentroplex Unlimited, is brokered by bastardcorp.com into a subsequent merger with NetscapeAOLTimeWarner, ebay, Amazon.com, Slashdot, Usenet, Napster and Google. It doesn't make anyone any money, but the porn flows freely and in abundance. Once it's apparent that the whole bloated venture is approaching a critical mass of obsolescence, the works are sold to Bill Gates for a dollar. The infomedia behemoth causes Microsoft to implode in on itself (literally; much of Redmond disappears one night leaving behind only a smoking crater). Usage of BeOS and OS/2 Warp skyrocket. 2002 - The MindLink! BBS list reports over twenty thousand entries in the Lower Mainland, ten thousand of which are redundant nodes for Basic'ly Computers. The new area code 778 is set aside for exclusive use by bulletin board systems. - the Complete Collected Crazyshit stays on the New York Times' bestseller list for 218 weeks. - In an incident reminiscent of outbreaks of epileptic attacks following airings of the Pokémon cartoon, over three hundred people are sent to the hospital suffering from food poisoning and extreme gastronomic distress after preparing and consuming recipes offered on an unexpurgated syndicated episode of the Imbibe cooking show. New varieties of egg nog are engineered that cannot mix with macaroni and cheese, regardless of how hard you try, and Blue can no longer be sold without a license. 2003 - After 20 years of operation, FidoNet shuts down, having fulfilled its historical mandate of providing nascent tabbers an odious example of the irrelevance of traditional top-down hierarchical authority structures in the noosphere. - Perpetual Dream Theory's D-A-D-A song becomes the national anthem of the sovereign state of Sixophoria. Minister of Percussion $hawn Killaly performs its inaugural solo on the electric marimba, toy piano and circular saw live to a webcast audience of 150 million. - Benny's Bagels is designated a World Heritage Site by the United Nations. ... 2012 - Melting of the polar icecaps realizes ancient Mayan predictions regarding the End of the World. The snotty-nosed indolent youth of the world, largely occupying underwater arcologies, complain that the brackish interference with their satellite connections increases the latency on their networked rounds of Sid Meier's Grand Theft SimNetHackStarCon: Alleycat of Aragon for Glory Expansion Pack. - While issue number 2 of Concrete is released, the procrastination study in Spoon remains ongoing. A polybagged copy of Dream Factory #1, in mint condition, sells for over triple its original value at $6. - Dead Sea Scrolls versions of the Nuiwanda Bible.